Archive | May, 2012

#12 When in Doubt – Trader Joe’s

28 May

Okay, today I am ignoring those pesky little dust bunnies growing in the corner of the hallway, and am focusing on cooking.  For those butch wives whose cooking skills mirror mine, my sincere sympathies.  There is, however, hope.  Have you discovered Trader Joe’s?  In San Francisco we have several around town, and I have to say, for the two of us, their packaged entrees are just the right size and taste good.

When I started checking out cookbooks to come up with something to fix for dinner, the choices and tasks to complete the recipes noted were daunting.  Living in one of the finest restaurant towns in the world has left me with a good sense of which places and food types I like, but when it comes to preparing them from scratch that’s a whole other story.  In the recipe books I tend to turn to the ingredient listings to decide if this is something we might like to eat.  I have to admit, however, looking at ingredients for me is sometimes like trying to read the Dead Sea Scrolls - I just have no idea what some of this stuff is and whether it can be bought or is a combination of other stuff I have to pull together.  I think cookbooks should tell you if this ingredient is one thing or hybrid of several things.  And they should also add some notes of possible ingredient substitutes in case the one thing needed is just not available in any store a human would go for food.

The ingredients I can read also have some mystery qualities as well.  For example, what is arugula really and why is it better than head lettuce?   And how is aioli different from mayonnaise?  Also what’s the difference between a filet and a fillet?  When are you supposed to use which for beef? Or is there some unspoken knowledge passed down from generation to generation via secret tribal dances where only a few chosen ones actually KNOW?

And when it comes to measurements – exactly how much is a pinch? What if my ‘pinches’ be bigger than the originator of the recipe since my hand is larger?  Doesn’t that mess up the proportions of intended spice to food?   And what about measurements that reference “about” so much should be used.  How much is “about”?  I got no measuring tool for “about.”  Does anyone?

Butch Wife Tip #12

Given the uncertainty here, I have come to rely on Trader Joe’s.  And, for my friends in San Francisco, I have discovered the best time to shop the Trader Joe’s on 9th street is Tuesday morning.  I have lived in this town for over 40 years, and its only been this year that I can say I know when this store is least crowded.  I’m not sure how to feel about this new found knowledge in terms of its relative importance in relation to universal Truths, but there you have it.  Their entrees sizes are just right for one or two people and they can be surprisingly tasty.  So give ‘em a try.  Saves time in prep work that you can spend with your wife wondering why you didn’t go out to dinner in the first place.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#11A – Femme Wife Response to Patio Surfing

24 May

And now a perspective from the femme wife’s point of view – ok yes I was towel surfing on a Caribbean island patio shortly after our lives were threatened by a tropical storm however, there was a VERY good reason for this. We had cleared (at my insistence and some general hurricane advice) all the furniture off the lanai. As we prepared to leave I just didn’t have it in me to have our nice French hosts come home to find an empty space where their outside living room used to be. So being the good girl scout that I am I was wiping down the patio in the most efficient way I could think of (i.e. towels on my shuffling feet) while my wife sat by saying, “I told you we didn’t have to clear everything off”. She was right and I was wrong (yes dear I said it!) but I didn’t feel I should have to do all the work just because I had chosen to follow the National Weather Service’s advice and not hers! I was madder than a wet hen about my solo efforts and rather than talk things out like a grown-up I chose to show my displeasure by scowling at my wife each time I shuffled past the window.   Finally, realizing that my imitation of a pissed off locomotive was getting nowhere and I was making a fool of myself , I calmed down and went in to apologize for my childish behavior. I’d been so unpleasant (and yes dear unreasonable) I assumed I would be met with a well-earned cold shoulder. As I began my mea copa Julie could no longer contain her glee and burst into good-natured giggles at my performance. As it turned out we both had a good laugh and to this day we often diffuse marital spats with imitations of the “Femme Wife” shuffle………..

Femme Wife Tip#1:

If you love each other, and don’t take yourself too seriously, even when you’re wrong things can turn out right.

Mindy – Femme Wife Extraordinaire

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#11 Patio Surfing Anyone?

24 May

Patio Surfing

My wife and I were traveling last year in the Caribbean and after a wonderful vacation were getting ready to come home.  The neighbors close by told us a hurricane was on the way and all flights were cancelled at the moment.  Having never been through a hurricane we began to strategize about exactly how to get ‘ready’ for one.  Once we agreed on things that could fly, things that could leak, or things that could be eaten or drunk while waiting for a clearing in the storm, we were good to go.  Fortunately when the storm came, it only brushed by our little island and we didn’t experience a major disruption.  Just a lot of rain.

After the storm passed we started putting the ‘things’ back in place for our departure.  Needless to say there was quite a bit of water on the patio, and since the tiles were rather slick, my wife decided to dry them off with towels.  Of course, during all the tension about the storm and our survival, we decided it was the perfect time to have a disagreement.  Quite honestly at this point, I don’t even remember what we were arguing about, but I DO remember clearly how my wife decided to let me know about her displeasure.

I was sitting in the living room of the house we had been using, looking out the back sliding glass doors as my wife ‘skated’ around the patio, feet on two towels and sliding across the floor with determined strides.  I looked away for a moment, and when I looked back I saw my wife, arms pumping along her sides like train wheels, legs shuffling  back and forth like a back country skier on snow shoes, and an angry look on her face as she expressed her displeasure at what I had or had not done to piss her off.

I have to tell you, I couldn’t help myself.  The vision I was looking at just tickled my sense of humor and I began to laugh.  Of course I realized laughter was the last thing my wife might want to see from me, so I fled the room to continue my giggling out of sight.  After a few moments, she came into the bedroom where I was rolling on the floor in hysterics.  I have to admit the laughter initially pissed her off, thinking I wasn’t taking her concerns seriously.  Anyone WOULD feel that way.  But after I explained the ‘vision’ that tipped me over the giggling edge, she also began to laugh and we both ended up laughing until our sides hurt.

Butch Wife Tip @11

Here’s my point, I guess.  We all have arguments in our relationships.  For us, when we lose our sense of humor about ourselves, we lose touch with each other.   I believe a good pair of scuba fins, a funny hat, and a big hug can do wonders in smoothing over those rough times.  Skating on towels can be fun as well, but you need a flat surface.  If that doesn’t help, put yourselves in the middle of a hurricane – having your life in danger tends to put things in perspective.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#10 Stand Up and Be Counted!!!

23 May

Several years ago I had breast reduction surgery.  It wasn’t because of any specific dangerous illness attacking my body or because of  an unwanted malformation.  They were just too big for me and, more importantly, they interfered with my golf swing.  I had  also spent years dealing with periodic back problems that typically left me flat on my back for at least a week 3 to 4 times a year.  Not fun.  So when our  money situation improved to a point where the surgery became a viable option, I had my breasts reduced to a more manageable size.

I recovered nicely and even my wife liked the ‘new me’  after it was over.  However, one day I noticed something disturbing – they’re sinking!   Not only are they sinking, they’re spreading out in places I didn’t know breasts could go!!!!  This is NOT what I signed up for – I’m just saying.  Now I’m beginning to believe the bulge under my armpit is more than just my excess fat yet to fall off from my ever diligent exercising.  My breasts have definitely taken an unusual turn to the left and right, when before, they stood proud and perky out front.

I started looking around at women breasts on the street who appeared to be about my age.   Low and behold, we’re ALL  sinking!  And for some, they are not just sinking, but experiencing a significant Fall From Grace!!!  Though I’ve always been perplexed by why the world seemed so constantly fixated on women’s breasts, it is a wonder why no one told me while growing up to expect a Titanic moment after 60 when it comes to my chest! I think this is something mother’s should discuss with daughters,  even if we are gay.  This latest surprise was a bit disconcerting to say the least, and a heads up would have been nice.

Butch Wife Tip #10

To my male followers,  thanks for following me and sorry, this tip is not for you.  My mama used to say every woman needs a good bra.  I think that’s good advice.  If you are a ‘well endowed’ woman, living in sports bras or bras with no support, or even no bras at all, will catch up with you after 60.   As a comedian once said, after 50 your body gets a mind of its own and gravity takes over.  Trust me in this those words a VERY true.  And for those of you experiencing back trouble on a regular basis, consider a reduction.  Most doctors will agree to it and insurance companies will pay for it.   And believe me on this as well, your partner will love the fact that you’re taking care of yourself so the two of you can play more often together.

Once you’ve got yourselves shaped and outfitted,  STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!!!!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#9 Don’t Forget About Life

22 May

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/xHkq1edcbk4?rel=0

Butch Wife Tip #9

Take some time to smell the roses.  A dear friend shared this with me and I thought it worth sharing with all of you.  Enjoy!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#8 Housekeepers Unite!

22 May

When I was younger I didn’t worry too much about house work.   Basically a bed, a kitchen with a microwave oven, and bathroom were all I needed.  If things weren’t exactly tidy it really didn’t matter much as I wasn’t there all that often.  Once I got into my working years and found my wife, I was staying in more, but house tidiness was again not so much a worry as there was always the two of us to tackle jobs around the house AND a housekeeper to really clean.

Today as I sit in our living room, looking around the house while the wife is at work, my attention isn’t drawn to the cosmic wonders of the universe, or the beauty of our relationship, or even a curiosity about the nature of man.  No, my attention is drawn to the dust bunnies taking over the space under the TV (see previous posts about the nefarious nature of these little buggers).  Then it wanders to the kitchen sink where last night’s dishes need doing.  And, as if that weren’t bad enough, my attention swings over to the bathroom tub that hasn’t been cleaned out in months since we never use it. (Don’t worry we have another bathroom downstairs – the upstairs one is for the cat.) OMG!  Having realized that my mind has been taken over  by sponges, mops, and industrial cleaners, I went running from the room!!

When did I get boring?  I USED to be interesting.  I used to have pithy little comments about the state of affairs around the world.  I used to demonstrate my first-rate education by pontificating about how things worked or didn’t depending on the topic, and I always had a vocal opinion about everything.  I used to have a sense of humor I could count on to ease a tense situation or entice a smile from my partner.  Now, I clean.  I pick up ‘droppings’ of clothes, make the bed, take out the garbage, dust constantly, water the backyard, clean out the hot tub, try to fix something edible for dinner if my wife hasn’t cooked something over the weekend, and even weed for Christ’s sake!!!  Can you believe it?!  Just for the heck of it yesterday, I went outside and weeded the side of our house.   I’m not well and I know it.

Butch Wife Tip #8

I have come to the conclusion that housework is detrimental to your health and should be avoided as much as possible throughout your lifetime.   Therefore, I would advise if at all possible every butch wife find a loyal and expert housekeeper, and then change your will to ensure both you and they are taken care of for the rest of your life.

If you spend your entire day doing nothing but housework, you and your wife will suffer for it.  Your conversations will deteriorate to one word sentences, and your internal index of attractiveness will sink like a brick in water.  Bringing only verbage about chores to a relationship is a killer.  You need to add to the relationship, not bore it to death.  So here’s my “Hoorah” for housekeepers of America, and may they live forever, or at least as long as us.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#7 Shake, Rattle and Roll

21 May

A friend of mine reminded me Gay Pride month was on its way and that brought back memories of how Mindy, my wife, and I met.  In my day (I NEVER thought I would use that phrase….) Maud’s in the Haight district of San Francisco was an old-time dyke bar known throughout the community as “the place” to go if you were a lesbian and especially if you were single.  I used to go to Maud’s everyday after work for a beer.  I was never a pushy, pick up type dyke - more a strong, silent, shy type gal.  Okay, so more shy than strong, but gal nonetheless. Who would have thought?  One day this blond, little bundle of smiles and wild eyes came up to me in Maud’s and asked to share some space.  Being the ever so accommodating human that I am (cough, cough), I said sure and that started things off.

After months of dating, she made her move during a Pride parade in San Francisco in 1984.  I was riding on a leather bar’s float at the time.  Mindy was marching in the parade with her elementary school kids.  Unbeknown to me she got a 7-year-old to ‘find a float with a lot of men in leather clothes’ and to come back and tell her where it was.  Off the kid goes and pretty soon I see Mindy coming to the side of our truck.  Bending down to shake hands and smile my ever so appealing smile, we touched and that was it for me.  The next 27 years of my life really started with that touch and I’ve never looked back since then.

Butch Wife Tip #7

The tip here is related to hand shaking.  You can’t just limply hold out your hand and assume the recipient of that lump of flesh will feel welcomed or anything else.   I don’t know why, but a hand shake like that makes me want to scratch.  Also, placing the back of your hand toward someone when first meeting is like saying you are forming an allegiance of nations, not making human contact.  In my opinion it is not a good look for ANY butch wife, or any other person, except Queen Elizabeth.  And even she has gotten softer these days.  Approaching 90 probably does that to a person.

I’ve found when shaking the hand of someone you are attracted to you have to consciously make sure the crook of your thumb and first finger firmly, but not tightly, meet the crook of her thumb and first finger.  Then you gently wrap your hand around hers, ensuring your touch is secure but not tight, and making sure the center of your palms touch. OMG!  When done right the feelings of warmth and connection will rattle your senses, and by adding your winning smile and loving looks, YOU’RE GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT!!!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training         

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#6 No, honey, those pants DON’T make your butt look big!

17 May

Dieting……….we’ve all done it, and have used various combinations of food tortures to lose those extra pounds.  Mostly I’ve found my greatest resolve to lose weight holds true for the first couple of days after I start my diet plan. If the pounds don’t come off in that time, I tend to get discouraged.  Anybody else feel that way?

When I started this latest round of dieting I really made the effort to actually eat less and move more.  Amazingly it worked and I lost 45 lbs. in about 4 months (thank you Nutri-System).  Now I’m taking a break and have leveled off a bit, but I’m determined to get back to it eventually.

My wife, on the other hand, has started her efforts to lose 10 pounds before our trip to France this summer.  It brought to mind the need to briefly share something with you about dieting.

Butch Wife Tip #6

If your spouse asks if you think she’s getting fat, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER tell her she may be getting a little ‘thick.’  I did 25 years ago and she’s never let me forget it.   Enough said.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-training

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#5 “I’ll do the dishes, you pick up the mouse guts.”

16 May

There’s one thing I’ve learned since retiring from corporate life, and that’s house chores are NEVER done.  Unlike in business, at least the business I did, when a project came my way I knew it would get “done.”   I worked really hard on it until it was completed, installed, operating normally, or whatever term meant it was over for me.  Then I’d sit back for a time gleaming at the wonderful thing I was involved in that’s making the corporation hum like a bird day in and day out.  I was sure the same type of logic would apply at home as it did in my work.  I identify something that needs doing, (like dusting or making the bed), figure out how to do it to my wife’s satisfaction (sometimes that takes me a while), and then go about completing the tasks to get it done.  When it comes to home projects, I’ve discovered, that’s not how things go.

Household chores keep coming back.  You can’t just finish your chores.  Oh no! The little buggers sneak up on you again and again, demanding new attention as if they’d never been ’attended’ to before!  Take dusting as an example.  Those little dust bunnies, – whoever thought of that name should seek help - returning almost immediately after I’ve pushed them off all visible places on the table.  Why don’t they just stay away????  Even if I use dust spray, and don’t ask me what’s in it, the dust seems to find its way back.  The spray might keep it away for an hour or so, but just wait, it comes right back to cover every inch of anything made of matter and impossible to get at with a cloth.

And take the ‘making the bed’ chore.  I’m not exactly sure why someone decided long ago making the bed EVERY DAY was a necessary thing for us to do, but they did and now I have to.  ’Why’ I ask myself.  You’re just going to be back in it in a few hours anyway so why bother smoothing out those wrinkles from last night and making sure those pillows are lined up exactly on both sides of the bed.  Oh God, save me from this!  I have taken to making the bed while in it, and not worrying about the pillows being ‘just so.’  The trick is to start under the covers and in the middle of the bed.   Pull everything up tight under you chin, making sure they are pretty even on both sides and using your arms to smooth out any bumps.  Then just carefully slip out one side.  Voila!! made bed!  No running from one side of the bed to the other time after time.  No special little folding manuever at the end of the bed to make sure everything stays tucked in at the bottom.  (I think they call those ‘hospital corners.’)  Now, just throw the pillows on the top of the bed and you’re done.  I can do it in under 30 seconds.  Pretty good, uh?!

When it comes to cat chores, however, I would advise a compromise with your mate.  This can be a traumatic experience in our house as our cat is a mouser and doesn’t just kill those pesky, whiskered little things.   She devours them – blood, organs, bones, heads….its disgusting.  We have what we lovingly call a “Cujo” cat.  And she periodically shares parts of what she’s caught, or at least parts of what she’s decided to not eat.   She’s not too fond of rat and therefore, only takes off their heads.  As for mice, she prefers the young ones and typically we don’t find any remains.  The older mice, however, tend to get parts left behind.  We have designated a particular stair on our staircase as her ‘sacrificial alter’ as she often leaves portions of her older mouse kills on one particular step. What a love.  I can’t tell you how many times one or the other of us has headed upstairs first thing in the morning only to step on pieces of intestine languishing on our staircase and our cat sitting right there staring at us as if to say, “See?  I AM a God.”

Butch Wife Tip #5

Share your chores and divide them up based on your skills.  As an example, I do techy and financial stuff, my wife does flowers and pretty things for the house.  That’s certainly not all there is to do, so I’d suggest you get your household together, make a list, and have all participants pick the ones they can or will do.   If there is only one of you, you feel bad about assigning chores to your 2 year old, or you just can’t come to an agreement with your partner or spouse on who is going to do what each week, then hire someone.  I’m convinced those dust bunnies multiply over time and are trying to take over the world!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

(PS: For those of you who asked – if you want to continue to follow this blog,  just click on the “Follow” box in the upper left side of this page and WordPress will send out an email to you each time its updated.  If you get tired reading this, just unclick that same box, but I hope you don’t.  Also for those who want to leave a comment, and please do, click on the “Leave a Comment” section at the end of each posting and a blank text will open for you to write in.  Once you’ve said your peace just hit ‘Send’ and it’ll show up.)

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#4 Refrigerator Management

14 May

Recently we were sitting around a dining table with friends talking about life, and, as we picked at our food, the topic of living science experiments in our refrigerators came up.  The means by which our collective minds GOT to that topic is probably way too complicated to try to recount at this point.  Suffice to say somehow we landed here and I was astonished to find out that we are not alone in having difficulty with our ‘refrigerator management’ skills.  (That term was used by one of my close friends and I thought it appropriate to share.)

I think its best to start by acknowledging refrigerators have a life of their own.  There they sit in an auspicious place of adoration in someone’s kitchen, holding the life affirming nutrients we all need to survive.  Or at least. they provide us with something to open every 10 minutes when we are hungry, whether or not it has food worth eating in it.  You would think we, as a species, would try to name the thing, like a pet.  After all we feed it, stroke it hoping something wonderfully delicious would just pop into our stomachs when we are starving, and talk to it constantly as we are gazing into its contents.  (At least I do……….am I the only one? Oh God!)

Having acknowledged refrigerators actually live, it is important for their ongoing good health and odor they be cleaned  and organized.  When I looked at ours recently it became clear to me my wife is a fanatic. In her mind we MUST save any size of uneaten food left over from our meals.  If there is a sliver of meat, I can’t throw it to the dog as a treat!!! Oh no, as I have been scolded many times, you must NOT throw away anything edible.  (For the life of me I’m not sure why, as the food would be rotten by the time it got to all those starving children in foreign locations I generally can’t pronounce.  But for the sake of harmony in your home, I would advise you stock up on tin foil and plastic wrap.)

Refrigerator organization is more complicated than first expected.  There is often no room for tall things on the already over-crowded shelf supposedly MADE for tall things, and tilting them sideways turned out to be a disaster…..trust me on this.  Small bits of miscellaneous food in a variety of wrappings are impossible to find on those smaller shelves meant for everything else you need to keep cold.  And those little drawers at the bottom meant for vegetables??? Please…they are angled like a pyramid and, therefore, should only hold heavy stuff.  Putting leafy things in these boxes leaves you with icky, sticky green stuff that is smashed together when you close the drawer.

So today I sat in front of my refrigerator and approached its organizational problem with the same corporate acumen I’ve used in my career.  Survey the situation, make a plan, resource the effort, track the progress, and measure the results.  Sounded good when I started.  I surveyed the refrigerator and noted two primary issues right off the bat.  One, we tend to place everything toward the front of each shelf; and two, we have stuff in there we bought over a year ago! That can’t be good.  The first plan, then, was to replace things on the shelves so we could see what we had when we opened the refrigerator door.  That proved tricky as you still end up with things in the back that could quite easily stay there forever unbeknown to anyone.  They hide out in the corners of your box, impossible to reach without crawling on your hands and knees, and bumping your head on the shelves to get to them.  Then, I’m convinced, those tricky little devils sit there laughing at you while dodging every attempt to grab them as you are looking up at the ceiling to stretch your arm to the back of the box.  I have declared war on the back of my refrigerator, but I’m not proud of it.

Next I gathered all the individually wrapped bits of food and tried to organize them into types – you know, meats, veggies, carbs, etc..  I ran into some issues here as I couldn’t recognize some of the packages and ended up just tossing them.  Don’t tell my wife.  I did make a donation, as an amends, to the starving children in foreign places I couldn’t pronounce out of guilt for tossing that moldy piece of pizza.

Finally, when I got to the refrigerator door stuff, OMG!!!  I think some people could live on our condiments for at least 5 years.  These things never get eaten up and some have actually been moved from refrigerator to refrigerator.  Its not a good thing,  I am sure.  I couldn’t decide what to do, as I don’t know what some of those bottles really are nor when we will need them for what kind of food.  When did we, as a nation, start making stuff to eat with other stuff to eat and not be clear on the lable when to combine this bottle of stuff with those other things to eat.  I get catsup and mustard………but I found other things for which I have no clue how to tell if they are good or bad.  Foregoing my corporate acumen, I resorted to exclusively smelling stuff, and making the “keep” or “go” decision for the organizational phase of my effort based solely on whether I flinched when I took a whif or not.

When it comes to cleanliness, I found some things actually start to chrystalize when you try to wipe off a refrigerator shelf with it.  Cold is a phenomenal state.  It spreads smells around, but clumps up liquid stuff with just as much stealth.  Amazing.  So I put away the spray bottles of cleaning fluid and resorted to good old hot water and dish soap.  Seems to work out pretty well so I’m sticking with that.

Butch Wife Tip #4

When approaching refrigerator management, be ready for a surprising adventure when you open your door.  If you can’t determine a cold package’s contents from sight or smell, throw it away.  If something has fuzz on it, don’t just scrape off the fuzz and eat it, throw it away.  And if something has been in the refrigerator for more than six months, send it to the National Institute of Health for possible scientific testing just in case you’ve discovered the next penicillin for our generation.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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