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#27 – You’re Going Down, Dust Bunny!!!

30 Jan

I have won the battle over the dust bunnies in my home!!!  Oh yes, this Butch Wife has once again demonstrated her superiority over all things chores she surveys and God said, “It is good!” My friends, family, and devoted strangers…………..the answer to eliminating dust bunnies from your rooms, halls and noses lies with a little robot we call “Rosie.”  Ah yes, she is compact, clever, somewhat shy when pit against large objects and she is ours!!!  Lest you feel in want Rosie is an iRobot Roomba 595 Pet Series robotic vacuum cleaner and she loves us.

We picked her up at Costco this past weekend and spent the first day waiting with anxiety while she charged, not knowing if the $300 investment would really live up to its hype.  On day two, I looked at her docking station, noted the green light around the “Clean” button and decided it was now or never and so hit the button.  With a little musical awake song, slowly she began to roll away from the docking station, spun in a few circles to get her bearings and then off she headed moving at a steady pace across the floors and carpets spinning her little brushes as she went.  Dust bunnies melted away under her belly never to be seen again, and items she was unable to roll over she moved around.  Testing each wall gently to ensure there were no bump marks left, she crossed the floors upstairs in a steady, albeit somewhat strange pattern and within an hour all visages of bunnies, dust or otherwise, had disappeared.  OMG!!!

Now you may wonder how she does with steps.  Well, our little Rosie has ‘eyes’ for those and avoids them like the plague.  She also doesn’t eat up rug fringe as she just spins away from it so as not to tangle the brushes and wheels underneath.  If she does get tangled in some stringy thing left on the floor she starts sending a knocking noise to let you know to come untangle her.  Not extremely loud but just enough to ensure you hear her, after all, our Rosie is too polite to interrupt abruptly!

At the end of her task for the day, and when her battery runs down, she begins to look for the docking station again.  There’s a little beacon at the top of it that sends out “I am here” light beams to Rosie’s little beacon on top and off she goes to reconnect with the station.  She heads for it, turns herself around to the right position and then gently crawls back up to her place and quietly goes to sleep while the docking station feeds her the power she needs to start again when we wake her up.  It’s a wonder and I love her, and we have decided to adopt her forever.

Butch Wife Tip #27

I have battled these dust bunnies for months and had given up hope of ever conquering them.  My old asthmatic lungs were resigned to coughing and sneezing for the rest of my life.  But then along came Rosie.  Who knew a little round disk with wheels, brushes and a suction tube could make so much difference in one’s life.  It doesn’t hug you but I bet if it could it would.

So I say, iRobot rocks!  When there’s a house chore needing attention and you just can’t seem to ever get it done, let a robot do it.  They will do it until they drop and never complain.  They will stay loyal as long as you give them power, and they will never ask for time off.  And if you are really, really nice to them, and start talking to them like real people, call a therapist as you might have gone too far!

Butch-Wife-Extraordinaire-In-Training

#26 – Bow Wow, Mom

17 Jan

I haven’t written recently because we have been ‘on the road’ for the holidays, and house chores took a definite back seat to life.  Now I find they once again have crept up on my conscience and I have to admit my first response is to run screaming from the house.  I rrrrreeeeaaaallllyyy hate chores.  And my ongoing nemesis, those pesky little dust bunnies, are now climbing up the walls in the closet.  Have I mentioned how much I hate these guys?

I wanted to write however about my dog.  Besides the reality of needing to do house chores slamming into my brain this week, when we returned from England I noted our dog Buster was losing what seemed to be an inordinate amount of weight even though he was eating well.  His coat looked bad and his hair was adding to my ‘dust bunny problem’ more than usual.  He still ran around and played to some extent, but when I had him on my lap and was petting him his hair felt stiff and brittle, and his skin was dry and flaky.  His eyes, always seeming to be pleading for something, were telling me he didn’t feel right inside.  I don’t know about you guys, but when my dog is sick my heart feels like it’s really breaking in two because they can’t tell you where it hurts and you just know they do hurt and yet feel helpless to fix it.  God, I hate that feeling.

My experience with vets tends to normally cost me thousands of dollars every time I walk into their offices, so I decided this time to get some information before going to see one.  Of course I don’t have any dog medical books so I did what any 21st century human does these days, I Googled my dog’s symptoms on the internet.  Come to find out most of the web sites I visited all said Buster’s symptoms seemed to indicate he might have some type of worm.  Ughhh! When I called a vet to confirm my diagnosis and determine costs for correcting this problem I found out it would take hundreds of dollars to examine him, do the lab work, and then more to get whatever medicine might be warranted.

Now, I don’t want to bad mouth vets, but this type of condition for my dog is pretty common, and hundreds of dollars to fix it seemed extraordinary.  So I decided to keep looking and found a web site for beagles that talked about worms for dogs.  Who knew there was a web site just for beagle owners?  But of course, you might say, the internet has a web site for ANY THING.  I respond – of course it does-my bad.  I even found web sites for mutts.  Go figure.

Anyway, I digress…..the guy who writes for beagles seemed to have a good sense of dogs and lots of free  information and he noted worms in dogs can be treated easily and cheaply.  The author identified the 4 types of worms a dog can get, and some are pretty awful, even ending in death in rare cases.  Reading the descriptions provided I came to the conclusion Buster looked like he had a less potent type of worm which eased my mind, and the cure was simple.

ValleyVet.com is the site and SAFEGUARD DEWORMER-DOGS is the stuff.  For about $20 total they will send you this medicine in a couple of days. It’s called fenbendazole and it treats roundworms, hookworms, whipworms and tapeworms in dogs and puppies.   After three days of this stuff in Buster’s food he is a new dog.  His skin is looking great, his hair has stopped falling out, he’s starting to gain some weight back and he’s back to his normal joyful self.  (I have also added some fish oil to his food for skin purposes and he’s doing just fine.)

Butch Wife Tip #26

This whole event brought up some things for me.  When it comes to pets, I don’t think anyone can deny these cuddly little guys tug at your heart strings in ways you can’t ignore even if you are a strong Butch Wife.  I think sometimes I love my pets more than some people I know.  Especially dogs.  They seem to have a special empathy with humans other animals just don’t.  When they get sick an incredible feeling of helplessness comes up in me and all the seeming strength of character and confidence in myself will quickly disappear into fear and uncertainty.

Fortunately in my experience your dog will tell you in his way when he doesn’t feel good.  I found you just need to pay attention and look.  Those pleading eyes of theirs will delve into your soul at your very first glance and by some miracle convey their very deepest thoughts and feelings directly to your heart.  Don’t look away, as a stronger love connection cannot be found than that of your dog for you and vice versa.  Don’t look away, as your dog will eagerly share with you every ounce of their loyalty even if you don’t ask for it.  Don’t look away, your dog will love you unconditionally, healthy or not, for as long as he or she lives which is hard to find anywhere.  Don’t look away, as you will never regret experiencing the joy of having a dog in your life.  Don’t look away, I’m just sayin’.

 

Butchwife-Extraordinaire-in-TrainingMartinique 2011 156-Julie at Ti Sable

 

 

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#25 – There IS a pony under there somewhere!!!

22 Nov

I experienced some unusual moments in Canada this week and somehow felt uplifted.  For example, a couple of nights ago I went to a local hamburger/sports bar near my hotel for dinner to watch a football game.  Next to my table in the bar a small group of 20-something’s were talking and laughing while playing the card game Go Fish.  Think of it…..young adults not really drinking heavily in a bar and enjoying playing Go Fish!

After a big smile flashes across my face and a chuckle slips out of my mouth, I turn to eat my dinner.  When I looked across the room between bites I saw an 80-something couple laughing and talking during their dinner with a look of true interest for the other in their eyes.  No vacant stares into space from either husband or wife, no angry sounding talk, no long, silent lulls in their conversation –  just a couple truly enjoying each other’s company.   Think of it……old adults who still love each other.

As I sat in this unfamiliar place watching the people around me I wondered if I would ever feel too old to do young things or too bored with life to forget that I can love and be loved.  Can a Butch Wife Extraordinaire remain a true Butch Wife if she still likes to play with pickup sticks and skip along the street?  I whistle and I like to whistle even if I’m off key.  Does a real butch wife do that?

What makes someone lose interest in life?  Does it happen when life throws loss our way, as it inevitably does, and lets our dreams fade and our hearts harden?  Or does it occur when we only act as humans doing rather than humans being?  Can you lose interest in life because things become more important than people? Does a Butch Wife have to be serious and responsible to the point that laughter becomes quiet and seldom heard?  God I hope not.

I remember growing up in the hills of West Virginia knowing we didn’t have a lot of money, but relishing in the laughter and kidding we did together as a family.  My father had a terrific sense of humor and my mother became a constant target for all of us to tease.  It was fun to watch and participate in, and the whole time there was no question of whether life was interesting or not.  Of course it was and always would be.  I remember the sheer happiness I felt as a 6 year old when meeting up with friends down by the river.  We would sit on the banks watching the water flow, continually tossing and retrieving a homemade fishing line with its safety pin hook hoping someday to catch something.  We never did catch a fish, but we shared our world and sang songs together thinking it would coax the fish ever closer to our un-baited hooks.  God I loved those days.

I am now an officially older person and wondered recently if I might lose interest in life.  I don’t think I will.  I still haven’t jumped out of an airplane and glided to earth under a parachute.  Also there are thousands of places yet to experience on this earth, even though I’ve travelled around it several times.  And I am still be amazed at the number of ways I can show my wife that I love her and always will.  I hope I never forget that.  Please God.

Butch Wife Tip #25

Does getting older really mean one has to leave those un-baited fish hooks behind or assume all that could be said or done with your loved one has already been said or done?  I don’t think so.  I think a Butch Wife Extraordinaire still whistles with abandon and sings off key as loud as she can to the one she loves.  Try it.  You’ll feel good doing it.  I’m just sayin’……………

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

#24 – All that smells sweet are not always roses!!

5 Nov

Did you ever wonder how that mouse in the kitchen actually got there?  We did and once we found out it haunted our dreams for many nights!!  I am convinced the mice from the hills by our house maintain a steady, vigilant lookout from their perch waiting to invade like a tsunami at the slightest opportunity.  When they see a possibility of entry to our home I am sure they probably send out some major signal to their mice buddies, “Hey, we got a live one here…….this way!!!”  And when we started looking for access points to our house, OMG!!!  Did you know mice can get into your house through a hole no bigger than a quarter?

So we had to figure out what to do to protect against infestation since these long tailed little critters can become ubiquitous overnight.  First stop then for me was to look on the internet and see what others did who have had the same experience.  I had no idea there were so many different companies dealing with mice, nor was I aware of how many different ways people have to suggest getting rid of them.    Some say just get another cat.  That’s fine if they come out of the walls one at a time, but even our current little ‘Cujo’ cat can’t get them all.  She’s really good at capturing them, which we really do admire.  But she also has a propensity to capture mice on the hill and then bring them into the house for viewing before she eviscerates them on our stairwell landing.  Now I love the thought of sharing but adding to our infestation problem was not what I had in mind while praising her tenacity.

Then there’s the ‘set traps all over your house’ idea.   That’s fine too if you want to go around picking up dead or dying mice every few days.  Gotta admit this was not my best solution.  We tried some of those chemical traps since I kept snapping my fingers with those other kind of traps trying to set them. When I saw one of those little mice still grasping for air while stuck in the trap it broke my heart and made me feel like a murderer!  All I could think of when looking at the trapped mouse was that song from a kids movie, “Somewhere out there, above the pale blue sky…..”  You know the movie, about the little mouse far from home lamenting his family?  I just couldn’t continue using those traps with that vision in my mind, and I know I should probably consider relinquishing my Butch Wife card because of it.

Another suggestion from my internet research was to spray your house with all sorts of poisons to just kill the mice outright.  Okay, but doesn’t that somehow rearrange your chromosomes or something once the stuff permeates your walls?  The thought of spraying my house with such stuff made e worry about waking up one morning with the possibility of a new third eye growing on my forehead.  It just didn’t seem a good look so we didn’t pursue this option.

Finally we decided the only way to really clean out the muck and get rid of the awful smell was to actually take the ceiling down.   I don’t have any issues with knocking stuff down, but when it comes to demolishing the walls of our home it did seem to be more of a job than I actually wanted to tackle on my own.  Not that I couldn’t of course knock holes in our ceiling all over the place but it just seemed wiser to ask for help on this effort.  So we found a guy that does that kind of thing and proceeded to deal with the mess for about two weeks until the ceilings were all cleaned out, re-insulated, sanitized, and sealed back up.  Now that the dust has settled and our floors and ceilings are back together, I can sit in my house with absolute assurance there is nothing rotting away under my floors … at least for now, or until my obliging pet cat brings in yet another major midnight capture for us to view and praise, and loses sight of it under the stairs!

Butch Wife Tip #24

If you begin to smell a sweet rotten smell in your walls something has died there.  In our efforts we found a rather large sized roof rat had expired in the wall above the doorway to our bathroom.  From the looks of him, he just died and collapse around the studs in our ceiling.   My suggestion to you guys is don’t put it off.  This stuff can affect your health.  Get in there and deal with it sooner rather than later with some professional help.  There are guys out there that actually do this for a living!  Who knew?

#22 – Beware the Invasion of the Alien Chore Spores!!!!

21 Aug

Today I did something I have never done before in my life without some forethought and planning – I unconsciously took all my tee shirts out of my drawer, refolded each, and carefully stacked them back into the drawer in categories of type.  OMG!! Something has come over me and it’s insidious.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was done and I sat on the bed staring at a perfectly organized clothes drawer!  The only thing I could think of that made me do this was I must be sick, but I felt fine.  I checked my head for a fever and everything seemed cool.  No obvious aches or pains were surfacing from inside my gut.   I hadn’t ruled out a nervous disorder but I didn’t experience any twitches or shakes.  No matter where I checked everything in my physical life seemed fine.

Then I started thinking I was perhaps having a nervous breakdown.   I have to admit this was a hard diagnosis to accept since I have been extremely relaxed over these past few days with life seemingly good on most fronts. But one never knows when dark thoughts and feelings will come creeping in on their own and take over your consciousness with not so much as a ‘bye your leave!’  This possibility started to make some sense to me.  After all I just reached into that drawer for a tee shirt and without any hesitation whatsoever refolded it neatly.  I’ve heard such unconscious actions could even be indicative of a body-snatching entity lurking in your blood stream, taking control of your mind, and making a person do things they would never have done in the past.   I gotta say it seemed to fit the circumstances at first glance.

So I decided if indeed I had become possessed by alien spores, at least they were neat freaks, so how bad could that be?  Until I thought, would a true Butch Wife allow herself to be overwhelmed by some alien, wind surfin’ bacteria blowing up her nose to infect the left side of her brain and incite it to do chores?  Of course not!

But then there’s the physical evidence that something in my Butch Wife mode was out of sync……my tee shirt drawer was perfectly organized and I had done it totally out of the blue.  It wasn’t a planned chore for the day; it wasn’t just straightening the shirts out a bit because it included organizing them by type as well.   Something was definitely odd about my behavior.

I have come to accept the fact that semi-retirement from corporate life can make one susceptible to what I like to call ‘the unconscious chore syndrome.’  It impacts your ability to lounge without a care in the world.  All of a sudden you are washing that dish before putting it in the dishwasher, or you start dusting the table while you are sitting watching TV.  It definitely takes away your sense of control once you realize you did an unplanned chore just for the heck of it.  And it can last for several hours or even days if you don’t take steps to block its progress as soon as you can.

Butch Wife Tip #22

I would suggest a strong verbal rebuttal to shake your brain loose from the grip of this alien chore spore disease.  Perhaps a loud, forceful “NO!” every time the very thought of doing a chore.  At least by yelling “NO!” you might  begin to feel these alien chore spores start to retreat and mind control start to return to you.  If that doesn’t work, avoid eye contact with anything out of place, askew, or needing washing for at least 48 hours.  I suggest lots of outdoor activities to keep you away from any cleaning materials in your house.  Or try going to the movies where your mind can get caught up in the adventures of the show and thus, not give rise to stronger alien chore spore enticements.  Sleep during the day and play loud music at night while keeping the lights down low.  This will help to avoid eye contact with any chore lurking in the corners trying to gain your attention and eventually your soul!

Or if none of that helps and you still find yourself unconsciously doing house chores ‘just because,’ call me.  I have lots of chores that could be done in my house and am willing to give you all the time you want to complete them for me.   In particular if you have a craving for dust bunny cleanup ANYTIME, just let me know.

Julie

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#21 ‘Good’ Butch Wife – Step One

15 Aug

We went to a movie the other night to see the latest Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones movie about mature relationships.  It was fun as these two actors blend well and added a sense of depth to a rather old story of unattended love.  I have to admit, though, the movie did bring up a feeling of unease in me.  As the characters interacted with one another I began to wonder if I was taking my relationship for granted.  It’s hard to know right off the bat I think.  How does a good Butch Wife tell if she is really being ‘a good’ Butch Wife?

So on the way home from the movie I started thinking about my marriage.  We’ve been together almost 30 years.  We share just about everything except meditation and golf.  When I try to meditate with a bunch of people sitting on their heels for some reason I get the giggles. I don’t know why, I just do.   Also paying attention to what my mind is doing at any particular moment can be an exercise in futility for me.  And she thinks golf is the stupidest sport in the world, with a bunch of people dressed in silly clothes chasing a little white ball around 3 miles of grasslands. I see her point, but nonetheless love to play as often as possible.

I make a point to tell her I love her every day.  For me, being a ‘good’ Butch Wife also means taking care of stuff in the house without being asked to do it.  I’m still working on that one as its becoming increasingly clear to me the amount of stuff to be done everyday just to have a comfortable life never seems to end!  I am still battling an ongoing war with our ever present dust bunnies.  I’m convinced there is something that will destroy these suckers forever out there but I just haven’t found it yet.

We try to never go to bed angry, and if there IS an issue to deal with, we try to remember how to fight fairly.  I quite honestly can’t imagine a life without her and I’m pretty sure she feels the same, so we must be good, right?  Sounds that way but how do you know for sure?

Maybe ensuring a good relationship should entail a daily reminder for us.  When I was in business I had my daily reminder calendar to keep up on the things I had to do for the day.  It was handy, took only a few moments to review and kept me from forgetting important due dates that could eventually lead to a raise.  I still use reminder alerts on my smart phone.  Just can’t seem to let go of some corporate habits I guess.

So I started putting together a preliminary Daily Butch Wife Relationship Checklist.  Let me know what you think.

  • Wake up and hug your wife.
  • Brush your teeth pretty early on after waking to get rid of any birdcage breath that lingers from the night before, and certainly before you kiss her.
  • Kiss your wife.
  • Tell your wife she looks terrific.  If you forget this one, go to step one, part B and start again.
  • A daily shower may not seem necessary to point out but when you’re semi-retired like me that may not happen every day without a reminder.
  • Comb your hair.  Some days it just doesn’t seem worth it but you know she probably wants to look at something better than pointy gray hairs sticking up every which way out of your head.
  • Smell your pits just in case you forgot something in the shower.
  • As much as you want to wear that comfortable, soft, yet stained sweatshirt every day until it turns to threads, change it periodically for a clean shirt.
  • Laugh with her every day.
  • Dance with her with abandon when your favorite song comes on the radio.

This is just a start to a “Daily Good Butch Wife Relationship Checklist” so add your own stuff as you see fit.

Butch Wife Tip #21

After much contemplation and some side tracks into other topics, I have found the need to tend to one’s love relationship consistently as a ‘must do.’  Using checklists or just your good sense of considering others feelings as much as your consider your own can be helpful in ensuring you don’t fall into the abyss of taking her for granted.  And if you do find yourself in that abyss, get out – get out quickly! Being there for any length of time will overcome you and swallow your love whole before you know it.

Julie, Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#20 Mending Fences

7 Aug

I had previously made reference in one of my postings to a small fire under our fence that occurred while we were traveling.  Given the nature of the damage and the likelihood some of the fence would eventually fail, I decided a project was necessary to mend those areas badly charred.   Since a plan for fixing the fence seemed a worthwhile endeavor, the logistics of the project took shape when another one of those ‘thought thingies’ popped into my head.  (I have to admit I try to avoid deep thoughts most of the time as one thing tends to lead to other, and stops are hard to make when a roll like that starts. But they do keep popping up every so often so what’s a gal supposed to do?)

The ‘thought thingy’ popping up in my mind this time focused on the proper role of butch wives when it comes to carpentry work around the house.  The initial evaluation of this question said to me absolutely!  A ‘true butch wife’ should be able to handle a tape measure, power saw and hammer, right? After all, it would seem to just require tactical planning capabilities, prioritization skills, logic, strength of purpose and patience – all qualities I found necessary for one in the corporate world to survive, and so have attributed to any butch wife worth her salt.  And I have to admit, I hoped the thought of seeing me in a full tool belt around my middle could possibly be sexy for my wife.  At least it couldn’t hurt.

So I stood there looking at the fence and thought …”Finally, a proper butch wife chore.”  I would just have to first take the burned out section off the existing support beams and nail some tall-ish long boards to some square-ish upright boards sticking out of the ground, and ensure they all meet together on the other less square-ish boards running horizontal to the ground.  Not a big deal – right?  I didn’t need to dig post holes, for example, which would take a bit more muscle than this old body can handle given our ‘dirt’ is basically hard as a rock.

I quickly discovered, however, that even the initial measuring required to determine what size replacement boards were necessary was not so straight forward.  First I found out my tape measure is in meters not inches.  Where this thing came from I have no idea as I just saw it in the garage.  I assumed all tape measures were the same but nooooooo!!!  Take it from me, there is no such thing as a fence board .02cm X 20cm X 182cm.

And even if the tape measure is in inches, not meters, measuring, I found out, is not so straight forward either.  For example, try holding the darn thing still at one end of the board while stretching out fully to the other end of the board without losing your place at the first end of the board.   In my experience the measuring tape ends up falling over my head and down my neck since my arms aren’t quite long enough to hold the thing in place! Not a good Butch Wife look even if you do wear a sexy tool belt.

And, I discovered, if you aren’t tall enough, you have to place your finger on the tape somewhere between the top of the board and its bottom so you can get the total length measurement.  But by doing that, an inevitable question comes up – does one have to make allowances for the fact the tape will bend slightly over the existing boards still there as you are trying to measure the entire thing, potentially adding additional length that might throw the tape measurement off?  And if you do have to make small allowances for that inevitable tape bending going on because your arms aren’t long enough to stretch the entire length of what you are measuring, then how much to you subtract from the total!!!???  I have to admit fence building started to become a more complex puzzle than I expected rather quickly.

There was a bright spot.  I found out fence boards come in regular sizes.  One just needs to decide how high and how many given the space being enclosed and voila!  What happens, you could ask, if the space needing to be enclosed doesn’t exactly fit the normal widths of all the boards you bought?  Trying to cut one of those large fence boards straight having absolutely no experience in such things, and, in my case, only hand tools to assist, is an effort easily resulting in lost fingers or, at the very least, in crooked edges.  At least that what it seemed like to me at the time.

After a rocky start on my “proper Butch Wife chore,” and visions of an uncertain ending, I finally decided I probably wasn’t ready for this type of chore.  Nor was I sure I was really strong enough to hold a six-foot-long redwood board level while trying to nail it to another board.  I have to admit the likelihood my attempts at fixing this fence would result in disaster began running through my head.

The only logical conclusion making sense for me at this point was to abandon my efforts and hire someone to do it for me.  I admit I felt a bit like a failure and at the very least thought I should give my Butch Wife card back due to wimpishness. But in the end, I forgave myself and decided being able to hire it out was Butch Wife acceptable. I have, after all, worked almost 50 years of my life just so I could ask someone else better equipped and stronger than I to do this kind of chore for me.  And a proper Butch Wife knows when to call in the experts. Right?

Butch Wife Tip #20

When starting a carpentry project on your home take time to think through all the steps required before jumping into it.  There may be things where outside expertise or brawn would be beneficial, and you should give yourself a chance to take advantage of that when possible.  In my mind being a strong, capable Butch Wife is more about being a person strong of character and true of heart than it is about looking the part and failing to recognize when some things are better done by others, don’t you think?   I do (but I can still wear the tool belt, right?)

Julie

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-In-Training

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#19 Home again, home again, jiggidy, jig!

4 Aug

After several weeks of walking and driving through France, I have to admit it’s nice to come home.  “Re-entry” is going rather well, as our house is still in relatively good shape, the animals are alive and loving us, and I even lost some weight due to the healthy eating and exercising we did while on the road.  Ahhhhhhhh…..life is good.

But wait, what’s this?  Chores? Chores are required again??? Do these things NEVER stop???  Groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog walking, flat tire fixing, cob web chasing, weed pulling, fence mending -  yep, this one got our attention while on the road.  The guests staying in our house emailed us a few weeks into our stay in France about “a funny thing” happening to our fence.  My initial thoughts while reading this email was, “Really?  I never thought of my fence as funny, but hey, I’ll bite.”  “…just a small fire” they said, “…caused by a cigarette smoldering at the base of our fence.”  OMG!  My immediate reaction was not even remotely close to “Ha, ha, that was funny.”  Call me crazy but somehow that kind of news just doesn’t seem to fall into the ‘funny’ realm for me.  Not even a little giggle came to mind.  I’m just sayin’……

Anyway, coming home from a perfectly lovely long vacation in a part of the world that is just stunning and filled with all kinds of things to delight one’s senses can be disappointing in some ways.  But when one is coming home to San Francisco, which is stunning in its own way, it makes it much easier to adjust, I have to admit.  The trick I have been using recently for tackling those mundane, everyday life chores again is to think I am still in France, driving through small 11th, 12th, and 13th century villages looking for our daily croissants and baguettes. I understand Costco is a far cry from 12th century France but hey, one’s imagination can make anything look better if you just try a little.

Butch Wife Tip #19

Take time to get back into your life when you’ve been away from it for a while.  Treat yourself to some nights out and don’t just jump at those required chores right away.  Let the calming of your vacation stay with you as long as possible because those damn chores will still be there no matter what!  So give yourself and your wife a break and ignore them for a few days.  Makes re-entry a whole lot easier….trust me.

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#18 Journey Proud

25 Jun

This Butch wife and her Femme wife are headed out into the world over the next month, so the blog will be on vacation for a while.  I did want to talk a bit about preparing for such a trip.  Packing can be tense.  What to take?  How much to take?  Predicting the weather at the places we plan to visit well beyond what any official forecasters are willing to do can be exhausting.  Do you need two tubes of toothpaste or will you be sharing with others?  Do you lay your clothes flat in a suitcase, neatly folded or rolled?  I’m a roller, myself, as it seems to keep the wrinkles down better.

I read a Ricky Steves travel guide-book once that recommended the ideal amount of ‘stuff’ to take on a trip.  It broke down something like this:  2 pair of pants, five shirts, five pair of underwear and socks, a sweater and jacket, a swimsuit just in case, maybe a hat if you’re a hat person, and your toiletries.  Seemed sensible.  After all, you can always go to a laundromat and wash things each week.  And since you really don’t tend to see the same people all the time, repeating your daily garb won’t be apparent to anyone you run into the next day except you and your wife.  However with my wife, color coordination and a theme are essential to appropriate packing.  I won’t go into the details about this, but suffice to say, if everything you take doesn’t mix and match, you are forever banned from stepping onto foreign soil. (I keep it simple with blacks and whites as these go with anything.)

Do you notice a general tension before you take off on a trip? I do.  My housekeeper from growing up used to call this being ”journey proud.”  Great term isn’t it? Journey Proud.  Being excited about going to a place – even in our case where we don’t speak the language well, are not sure how to order our food easily, can’t read the road signs, and have absolutely no idea where ANYTHING really is.  Now that’s journey proud.

Being journey proud doesn’t stay with you.  We’ve always found once we are out in the world and away from our home country, the journey pride tension disappears almost immediately.  Our desire to experience different cultures takes over, and getting lost is a general state of being for us while on the road.  Eventually we do find ourselves with enough maps, but the stories we get into while lost have always been fun.

So to my loyal followers out there, thank you so much for encouraging me to keep writing.  Please ask your friends if they would like to follow the blog as well.  We will, however, be offline for a month.   We do a travelogue while on the road for friends and family and will continue that during this trip.  For all others, please be patient and I will get back into the blog in August.   Until then, bon voyage, y’all!  (Do you think the French will mind the colloquialism?  Probably.)

Butch Wife Tip #18

When getting ready for a trip, be easy on one another.   And if you are journeying to another country, check out the gay laws before you go because some places will shoot you for being gay.  Those places I would recommend you avoid.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#17 You’re Okay Just the Way You Are

16 Jun

I think there’s a moment in some butch wives lives (boy, try saying that 5 times real fast – wives lives, wives lives, wives….oh, never mind) when one’s attempts at appropriate social decorum may come into question.  I had one such moment the other night while investigating a loud noise in our yard.  Our dog started barking in the middle of the night which woke me up.  Not an unusual occurrence in our household, but a consistently loud one nonetheless.  I got out of bed, opened the back door, and wandered onto the porch for a look around, closing the door behind me.  As soon as I left the door space I felt it creep up my back and neck -  the realization I had just locked myself out.

Now normally this is not a major issue.  Planning ahead for contingencies, we have provisions for just such a situation because we have locked ourselves out several times in the past.  But in this case, I was drowsy, half-naked and bare footed, and assumed I would have to come around the house and into the front door to get back in. Immediately the thought of going out the back gate with just my t-shirt on and a rather exposed bare bottom seemed, well, unseemly.  My first steps were to check again and make sure I couldn’t break into my door, which, of course I couldn’t, but I had to try.

My mind started racing.  The thought of someone seeing an older grey haired woman, bare bottomed and without shoes hopping and yelping along the side of a darkened house at 3 in the morning could be humiliating for a truly butch wife.  Right? Could this situation be cause for losing my ‘Butch Wife Extraordinaire’ card for all time.  What if a policeman caught me trying to get into my house?  Would going to jail for breaking and entering really be a good idea while wearing only a t-shirt and no bottoms?

Therefore, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances.  I turned on the dog and blamed him for closing the door in the first place!  No actually I tried to find a place to sit and think about the best way to avoid the social humility of walking up our street half-naked.  This turned out to be harder than one might think, since it gets foggy around here at night and finding a dry spot to sit on that avoids the possibility of splinters wasn’t easy.  It’s not like pulling off a thoughtful pose like Rodin’s The Thinker or anything, but I was able to situate each cheek just so nothing got pinched or bruised on the only dry spot I could find.

Do real butch wives actually have these kinds of thoughts or issues I wondered.  After all, we’ve all done something dumb like this, right?  Anyway, the avoidance of public humiliation was achieved when I remembered I hadn’t locked the upstairs deck doors.  Upon inspection sure enough I could get in without running half-naked through the neighborhood and felt safe and warm once my bare bottom was inside.

But the whole situation brought up a question for me in the end (no pun intended here).  How do we learn shame?  I saw a movie once where the parent asked his gay son, “When did I teach you shame?” when the son was reluctant to come out to his family.  They knew he was gay and loved him anyway but somehow this son couldn’t accept it in himself.

Being caught in the cold with less than is generally accepted clothing on reminded me that shame IS taught.  I like to think the use of ‘shameful’ is more directed at what one does perhaps rather than for who someone is.  However, some think anyone who is not like themselves must at their very core be a ’shame to mankind.’  Can you imagine growing up with the knowledge that your family and those who are supposed to love you unconditionally think you are a ‘shame to mankind?’  Wow.  Can’t say I know any one person with that much power to impact all of mankind, except maybe John Lennon.  But that’s just me.  I vote for the elimination of ‘shame’ from our social lexicon.   What d’ya say?

Butch Wife Tip #17

Question: Do you realize how cold and wet outdoor furniture gets in the middle of the night?  I do now, and caution all to check the targeted sitting apparatus with your hand before plopping down on it with a bare bottom after 1am in San Francisco.  For those of you who simply MUST plan ahead, ensure your sleeping t-shirts are long enough to cover your butt when you sit down.  Improper t-shirt length considerations could someday lead to handcuffed arrests for indecent exposure.  I’m just saying…and if you ARE caught wearing less than you’d prefer, stand proud and tall with confidence, because you are okay just as you are.  (You could try whistling but then that might not look good given the circumstances. )

Julie Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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