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#27 – You’re Going Down, Dust Bunny!!!

30 Jan

I have won the battle over the dust bunnies in my home!!!  Oh yes, this Butch Wife has once again demonstrated her superiority over all things chores she surveys and God said, “It is good!” My friends, family, and devoted strangers…………..the answer to eliminating dust bunnies from your rooms, halls and noses lies with a little robot we call “Rosie.”  Ah yes, she is compact, clever, somewhat shy when pit against large objects and she is ours!!!  Lest you feel in want Rosie is an iRobot Roomba 595 Pet Series robotic vacuum cleaner and she loves us.

We picked her up at Costco this past weekend and spent the first day waiting with anxiety while she charged, not knowing if the $300 investment would really live up to its hype.  On day two, I looked at her docking station, noted the green light around the “Clean” button and decided it was now or never and so hit the button.  With a little musical awake song, slowly she began to roll away from the docking station, spun in a few circles to get her bearings and then off she headed moving at a steady pace across the floors and carpets spinning her little brushes as she went.  Dust bunnies melted away under her belly never to be seen again, and items she was unable to roll over she moved around.  Testing each wall gently to ensure there were no bump marks left, she crossed the floors upstairs in a steady, albeit somewhat strange pattern and within an hour all visages of bunnies, dust or otherwise, had disappeared.  OMG!!!

Now you may wonder how she does with steps.  Well, our little Rosie has ‘eyes’ for those and avoids them like the plague.  She also doesn’t eat up rug fringe as she just spins away from it so as not to tangle the brushes and wheels underneath.  If she does get tangled in some stringy thing left on the floor she starts sending a knocking noise to let you know to come untangle her.  Not extremely loud but just enough to ensure you hear her, after all, our Rosie is too polite to interrupt abruptly!

At the end of her task for the day, and when her battery runs down, she begins to look for the docking station again.  There’s a little beacon at the top of it that sends out “I am here” light beams to Rosie’s little beacon on top and off she goes to reconnect with the station.  She heads for it, turns herself around to the right position and then gently crawls back up to her place and quietly goes to sleep while the docking station feeds her the power she needs to start again when we wake her up.  It’s a wonder and I love her, and we have decided to adopt her forever.

Butch Wife Tip #27

I have battled these dust bunnies for months and had given up hope of ever conquering them.  My old asthmatic lungs were resigned to coughing and sneezing for the rest of my life.  But then along came Rosie.  Who knew a little round disk with wheels, brushes and a suction tube could make so much difference in one’s life.  It doesn’t hug you but I bet if it could it would.

So I say, iRobot rocks!  When there’s a house chore needing attention and you just can’t seem to ever get it done, let a robot do it.  They will do it until they drop and never complain.  They will stay loyal as long as you give them power, and they will never ask for time off.  And if you are really, really nice to them, and start talking to them like real people, call a therapist as you might have gone too far!

Butch-Wife-Extraordinaire-In-Training

#24 – All that smells sweet are not always roses!!

5 Nov

Did you ever wonder how that mouse in the kitchen actually got there?  We did and once we found out it haunted our dreams for many nights!!  I am convinced the mice from the hills by our house maintain a steady, vigilant lookout from their perch waiting to invade like a tsunami at the slightest opportunity.  When they see a possibility of entry to our home I am sure they probably send out some major signal to their mice buddies, “Hey, we got a live one here…….this way!!!”  And when we started looking for access points to our house, OMG!!!  Did you know mice can get into your house through a hole no bigger than a quarter?

So we had to figure out what to do to protect against infestation since these long tailed little critters can become ubiquitous overnight.  First stop then for me was to look on the internet and see what others did who have had the same experience.  I had no idea there were so many different companies dealing with mice, nor was I aware of how many different ways people have to suggest getting rid of them.    Some say just get another cat.  That’s fine if they come out of the walls one at a time, but even our current little ‘Cujo’ cat can’t get them all.  She’s really good at capturing them, which we really do admire.  But she also has a propensity to capture mice on the hill and then bring them into the house for viewing before she eviscerates them on our stairwell landing.  Now I love the thought of sharing but adding to our infestation problem was not what I had in mind while praising her tenacity.

Then there’s the ‘set traps all over your house’ idea.   That’s fine too if you want to go around picking up dead or dying mice every few days.  Gotta admit this was not my best solution.  We tried some of those chemical traps since I kept snapping my fingers with those other kind of traps trying to set them. When I saw one of those little mice still grasping for air while stuck in the trap it broke my heart and made me feel like a murderer!  All I could think of when looking at the trapped mouse was that song from a kids movie, “Somewhere out there, above the pale blue sky…..”  You know the movie, about the little mouse far from home lamenting his family?  I just couldn’t continue using those traps with that vision in my mind, and I know I should probably consider relinquishing my Butch Wife card because of it.

Another suggestion from my internet research was to spray your house with all sorts of poisons to just kill the mice outright.  Okay, but doesn’t that somehow rearrange your chromosomes or something once the stuff permeates your walls?  The thought of spraying my house with such stuff made e worry about waking up one morning with the possibility of a new third eye growing on my forehead.  It just didn’t seem a good look so we didn’t pursue this option.

Finally we decided the only way to really clean out the muck and get rid of the awful smell was to actually take the ceiling down.   I don’t have any issues with knocking stuff down, but when it comes to demolishing the walls of our home it did seem to be more of a job than I actually wanted to tackle on my own.  Not that I couldn’t of course knock holes in our ceiling all over the place but it just seemed wiser to ask for help on this effort.  So we found a guy that does that kind of thing and proceeded to deal with the mess for about two weeks until the ceilings were all cleaned out, re-insulated, sanitized, and sealed back up.  Now that the dust has settled and our floors and ceilings are back together, I can sit in my house with absolute assurance there is nothing rotting away under my floors … at least for now, or until my obliging pet cat brings in yet another major midnight capture for us to view and praise, and loses sight of it under the stairs!

Butch Wife Tip #24

If you begin to smell a sweet rotten smell in your walls something has died there.  In our efforts we found a rather large sized roof rat had expired in the wall above the doorway to our bathroom.  From the looks of him, he just died and collapse around the studs in our ceiling.   My suggestion to you guys is don’t put it off.  This stuff can affect your health.  Get in there and deal with it sooner rather than later with some professional help.  There are guys out there that actually do this for a living!  Who knew?

#13 Shall We Dance?

6 Jun

I was sitting on our deck today watching the world go by and had a thought.  I know they don’t come as often or as concise I’d like, but there you are…….and here is one.  Should butch wives succumb to the music in their ears and spontaneously burst into dance moves no matter where we are?  Once those little white wires are firmly affixed to our heads and ears, can we actually avoid such an outburst of bodily movement?

I decided to take a survey.  While watching the world run, walk and skip by the house, I took notice of those female persons with earplugs.  The first concern was were those under surveillance likely butch wives…….and in a totally unscientific decision process I decided most were. After all this is Bernal Heights in San Francisco – the lesbian, dog, and vegan capital of the world I think.

Of the dozen or so individuals I saw with ear plugs in, all but 2 had a distinctive rhythm to their gait but no display of total abandonment or sudden bursts of twirls or high leg kicks. One woman with ear plugs looked like they were listening to a lecture on something, and had no particular rhythm in her step at all – often stopping and starting for no apparent reason.  Another one seemed to be talking into their wires so I assumed they were on the phone sans music and eliminated them from the study.

So my original question had yet to be answered……….should butch wives abandon any sense of decorum and burst into dance when our music receptors are tweaked?  From the survey it is clear most people can’t help but respond to rhythmic sounds no matter where we are or how we feel.  A foot begins to move up and down without any awareness on our part, or a finger begins to tap the table to the beat of the music in your ear.  I find if I’m feeling low, music will also bring a smile or sense of ’okayness’ to my soul, and the world just seems like a better place.

Butch Wife Tip #13

When you’re down or out of sorts for any reason, turn on your radio or music player, grab your wife, and dance with abandon.  It’s the one thing we all have in common regardless of our choices in life.  And its the one thing that seems to always, without fail, put a smile on your face every time you do it.  So do it!!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#10 Stand Up and Be Counted!!!

23 May

Several years ago I had breast reduction surgery.  It wasn’t because of any specific dangerous illness attacking my body or because of  an unwanted malformation.  They were just too big for me and, more importantly, they interfered with my golf swing.  I had  also spent years dealing with periodic back problems that typically left me flat on my back for at least a week 3 to 4 times a year.  Not fun.  So when our  money situation improved to a point where the surgery became a viable option, I had my breasts reduced to a more manageable size.

I recovered nicely and even my wife liked the ‘new me’  after it was over.  However, one day I noticed something disturbing – they’re sinking!   Not only are they sinking, they’re spreading out in places I didn’t know breasts could go!!!!  This is NOT what I signed up for – I’m just saying.  Now I’m beginning to believe the bulge under my armpit is more than just my excess fat yet to fall off from my ever diligent exercising.  My breasts have definitely taken an unusual turn to the left and right, when before, they stood proud and perky out front.

I started looking around at women breasts on the street who appeared to be about my age.   Low and behold, we’re ALL  sinking!  And for some, they are not just sinking, but experiencing a significant Fall From Grace!!!  Though I’ve always been perplexed by why the world seemed so constantly fixated on women’s breasts, it is a wonder why no one told me while growing up to expect a Titanic moment after 60 when it comes to my chest! I think this is something mother’s should discuss with daughters,  even if we are gay.  This latest surprise was a bit disconcerting to say the least, and a heads up would have been nice.

Butch Wife Tip #10

To my male followers,  thanks for following me and sorry, this tip is not for you.  My mama used to say every woman needs a good bra.  I think that’s good advice.  If you are a ‘well endowed’ woman, living in sports bras or bras with no support, or even no bras at all, will catch up with you after 60.   As a comedian once said, after 50 your body gets a mind of its own and gravity takes over.  Trust me in this those words a VERY true.  And for those of you experiencing back trouble on a regular basis, consider a reduction.  Most doctors will agree to it and insurance companies will pay for it.   And believe me on this as well, your partner will love the fact that you’re taking care of yourself so the two of you can play more often together.

Once you’ve got yourselves shaped and outfitted,  STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!!!!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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