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#27 – You’re Going Down, Dust Bunny!!!

30 Jan

I have won the battle over the dust bunnies in my home!!!  Oh yes, this Butch Wife has once again demonstrated her superiority over all things chores she surveys and God said, “It is good!” My friends, family, and devoted strangers…………..the answer to eliminating dust bunnies from your rooms, halls and noses lies with a little robot we call “Rosie.”  Ah yes, she is compact, clever, somewhat shy when pit against large objects and she is ours!!!  Lest you feel in want Rosie is an iRobot Roomba 595 Pet Series robotic vacuum cleaner and she loves us.

We picked her up at Costco this past weekend and spent the first day waiting with anxiety while she charged, not knowing if the $300 investment would really live up to its hype.  On day two, I looked at her docking station, noted the green light around the “Clean” button and decided it was now or never and so hit the button.  With a little musical awake song, slowly she began to roll away from the docking station, spun in a few circles to get her bearings and then off she headed moving at a steady pace across the floors and carpets spinning her little brushes as she went.  Dust bunnies melted away under her belly never to be seen again, and items she was unable to roll over she moved around.  Testing each wall gently to ensure there were no bump marks left, she crossed the floors upstairs in a steady, albeit somewhat strange pattern and within an hour all visages of bunnies, dust or otherwise, had disappeared.  OMG!!!

Now you may wonder how she does with steps.  Well, our little Rosie has ‘eyes’ for those and avoids them like the plague.  She also doesn’t eat up rug fringe as she just spins away from it so as not to tangle the brushes and wheels underneath.  If she does get tangled in some stringy thing left on the floor she starts sending a knocking noise to let you know to come untangle her.  Not extremely loud but just enough to ensure you hear her, after all, our Rosie is too polite to interrupt abruptly!

At the end of her task for the day, and when her battery runs down, she begins to look for the docking station again.  There’s a little beacon at the top of it that sends out “I am here” light beams to Rosie’s little beacon on top and off she goes to reconnect with the station.  She heads for it, turns herself around to the right position and then gently crawls back up to her place and quietly goes to sleep while the docking station feeds her the power she needs to start again when we wake her up.  It’s a wonder and I love her, and we have decided to adopt her forever.

Butch Wife Tip #27

I have battled these dust bunnies for months and had given up hope of ever conquering them.  My old asthmatic lungs were resigned to coughing and sneezing for the rest of my life.  But then along came Rosie.  Who knew a little round disk with wheels, brushes and a suction tube could make so much difference in one’s life.  It doesn’t hug you but I bet if it could it would.

So I say, iRobot rocks!  When there’s a house chore needing attention and you just can’t seem to ever get it done, let a robot do it.  They will do it until they drop and never complain.  They will stay loyal as long as you give them power, and they will never ask for time off.  And if you are really, really nice to them, and start talking to them like real people, call a therapist as you might have gone too far!

Butch-Wife-Extraordinaire-In-Training

#24 – All that smells sweet are not always roses!!

5 Nov

Did you ever wonder how that mouse in the kitchen actually got there?  We did and once we found out it haunted our dreams for many nights!!  I am convinced the mice from the hills by our house maintain a steady, vigilant lookout from their perch waiting to invade like a tsunami at the slightest opportunity.  When they see a possibility of entry to our home I am sure they probably send out some major signal to their mice buddies, “Hey, we got a live one here…….this way!!!”  And when we started looking for access points to our house, OMG!!!  Did you know mice can get into your house through a hole no bigger than a quarter?

So we had to figure out what to do to protect against infestation since these long tailed little critters can become ubiquitous overnight.  First stop then for me was to look on the internet and see what others did who have had the same experience.  I had no idea there were so many different companies dealing with mice, nor was I aware of how many different ways people have to suggest getting rid of them.    Some say just get another cat.  That’s fine if they come out of the walls one at a time, but even our current little ‘Cujo’ cat can’t get them all.  She’s really good at capturing them, which we really do admire.  But she also has a propensity to capture mice on the hill and then bring them into the house for viewing before she eviscerates them on our stairwell landing.  Now I love the thought of sharing but adding to our infestation problem was not what I had in mind while praising her tenacity.

Then there’s the ‘set traps all over your house’ idea.   That’s fine too if you want to go around picking up dead or dying mice every few days.  Gotta admit this was not my best solution.  We tried some of those chemical traps since I kept snapping my fingers with those other kind of traps trying to set them. When I saw one of those little mice still grasping for air while stuck in the trap it broke my heart and made me feel like a murderer!  All I could think of when looking at the trapped mouse was that song from a kids movie, “Somewhere out there, above the pale blue sky…..”  You know the movie, about the little mouse far from home lamenting his family?  I just couldn’t continue using those traps with that vision in my mind, and I know I should probably consider relinquishing my Butch Wife card because of it.

Another suggestion from my internet research was to spray your house with all sorts of poisons to just kill the mice outright.  Okay, but doesn’t that somehow rearrange your chromosomes or something once the stuff permeates your walls?  The thought of spraying my house with such stuff made e worry about waking up one morning with the possibility of a new third eye growing on my forehead.  It just didn’t seem a good look so we didn’t pursue this option.

Finally we decided the only way to really clean out the muck and get rid of the awful smell was to actually take the ceiling down.   I don’t have any issues with knocking stuff down, but when it comes to demolishing the walls of our home it did seem to be more of a job than I actually wanted to tackle on my own.  Not that I couldn’t of course knock holes in our ceiling all over the place but it just seemed wiser to ask for help on this effort.  So we found a guy that does that kind of thing and proceeded to deal with the mess for about two weeks until the ceilings were all cleaned out, re-insulated, sanitized, and sealed back up.  Now that the dust has settled and our floors and ceilings are back together, I can sit in my house with absolute assurance there is nothing rotting away under my floors … at least for now, or until my obliging pet cat brings in yet another major midnight capture for us to view and praise, and loses sight of it under the stairs!

Butch Wife Tip #24

If you begin to smell a sweet rotten smell in your walls something has died there.  In our efforts we found a rather large sized roof rat had expired in the wall above the doorway to our bathroom.  From the looks of him, he just died and collapse around the studs in our ceiling.   My suggestion to you guys is don’t put it off.  This stuff can affect your health.  Get in there and deal with it sooner rather than later with some professional help.  There are guys out there that actually do this for a living!  Who knew?

#22 – Beware the Invasion of the Alien Chore Spores!!!!

21 Aug

Today I did something I have never done before in my life without some forethought and planning – I unconsciously took all my tee shirts out of my drawer, refolded each, and carefully stacked them back into the drawer in categories of type.  OMG!! Something has come over me and it’s insidious.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was done and I sat on the bed staring at a perfectly organized clothes drawer!  The only thing I could think of that made me do this was I must be sick, but I felt fine.  I checked my head for a fever and everything seemed cool.  No obvious aches or pains were surfacing from inside my gut.   I hadn’t ruled out a nervous disorder but I didn’t experience any twitches or shakes.  No matter where I checked everything in my physical life seemed fine.

Then I started thinking I was perhaps having a nervous breakdown.   I have to admit this was a hard diagnosis to accept since I have been extremely relaxed over these past few days with life seemingly good on most fronts. But one never knows when dark thoughts and feelings will come creeping in on their own and take over your consciousness with not so much as a ‘bye your leave!’  This possibility started to make some sense to me.  After all I just reached into that drawer for a tee shirt and without any hesitation whatsoever refolded it neatly.  I’ve heard such unconscious actions could even be indicative of a body-snatching entity lurking in your blood stream, taking control of your mind, and making a person do things they would never have done in the past.   I gotta say it seemed to fit the circumstances at first glance.

So I decided if indeed I had become possessed by alien spores, at least they were neat freaks, so how bad could that be?  Until I thought, would a true Butch Wife allow herself to be overwhelmed by some alien, wind surfin’ bacteria blowing up her nose to infect the left side of her brain and incite it to do chores?  Of course not!

But then there’s the physical evidence that something in my Butch Wife mode was out of sync……my tee shirt drawer was perfectly organized and I had done it totally out of the blue.  It wasn’t a planned chore for the day; it wasn’t just straightening the shirts out a bit because it included organizing them by type as well.   Something was definitely odd about my behavior.

I have come to accept the fact that semi-retirement from corporate life can make one susceptible to what I like to call ‘the unconscious chore syndrome.’  It impacts your ability to lounge without a care in the world.  All of a sudden you are washing that dish before putting it in the dishwasher, or you start dusting the table while you are sitting watching TV.  It definitely takes away your sense of control once you realize you did an unplanned chore just for the heck of it.  And it can last for several hours or even days if you don’t take steps to block its progress as soon as you can.

Butch Wife Tip #22

I would suggest a strong verbal rebuttal to shake your brain loose from the grip of this alien chore spore disease.  Perhaps a loud, forceful “NO!” every time the very thought of doing a chore.  At least by yelling “NO!” you might  begin to feel these alien chore spores start to retreat and mind control start to return to you.  If that doesn’t work, avoid eye contact with anything out of place, askew, or needing washing for at least 48 hours.  I suggest lots of outdoor activities to keep you away from any cleaning materials in your house.  Or try going to the movies where your mind can get caught up in the adventures of the show and thus, not give rise to stronger alien chore spore enticements.  Sleep during the day and play loud music at night while keeping the lights down low.  This will help to avoid eye contact with any chore lurking in the corners trying to gain your attention and eventually your soul!

Or if none of that helps and you still find yourself unconsciously doing house chores ‘just because,’ call me.  I have lots of chores that could be done in my house and am willing to give you all the time you want to complete them for me.   In particular if you have a craving for dust bunny cleanup ANYTIME, just let me know.

Julie

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#21 ‘Good’ Butch Wife – Step One

15 Aug

We went to a movie the other night to see the latest Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones movie about mature relationships.  It was fun as these two actors blend well and added a sense of depth to a rather old story of unattended love.  I have to admit, though, the movie did bring up a feeling of unease in me.  As the characters interacted with one another I began to wonder if I was taking my relationship for granted.  It’s hard to know right off the bat I think.  How does a good Butch Wife tell if she is really being ‘a good’ Butch Wife?

So on the way home from the movie I started thinking about my marriage.  We’ve been together almost 30 years.  We share just about everything except meditation and golf.  When I try to meditate with a bunch of people sitting on their heels for some reason I get the giggles. I don’t know why, I just do.   Also paying attention to what my mind is doing at any particular moment can be an exercise in futility for me.  And she thinks golf is the stupidest sport in the world, with a bunch of people dressed in silly clothes chasing a little white ball around 3 miles of grasslands. I see her point, but nonetheless love to play as often as possible.

I make a point to tell her I love her every day.  For me, being a ‘good’ Butch Wife also means taking care of stuff in the house without being asked to do it.  I’m still working on that one as its becoming increasingly clear to me the amount of stuff to be done everyday just to have a comfortable life never seems to end!  I am still battling an ongoing war with our ever present dust bunnies.  I’m convinced there is something that will destroy these suckers forever out there but I just haven’t found it yet.

We try to never go to bed angry, and if there IS an issue to deal with, we try to remember how to fight fairly.  I quite honestly can’t imagine a life without her and I’m pretty sure she feels the same, so we must be good, right?  Sounds that way but how do you know for sure?

Maybe ensuring a good relationship should entail a daily reminder for us.  When I was in business I had my daily reminder calendar to keep up on the things I had to do for the day.  It was handy, took only a few moments to review and kept me from forgetting important due dates that could eventually lead to a raise.  I still use reminder alerts on my smart phone.  Just can’t seem to let go of some corporate habits I guess.

So I started putting together a preliminary Daily Butch Wife Relationship Checklist.  Let me know what you think.

  • Wake up and hug your wife.
  • Brush your teeth pretty early on after waking to get rid of any birdcage breath that lingers from the night before, and certainly before you kiss her.
  • Kiss your wife.
  • Tell your wife she looks terrific.  If you forget this one, go to step one, part B and start again.
  • A daily shower may not seem necessary to point out but when you’re semi-retired like me that may not happen every day without a reminder.
  • Comb your hair.  Some days it just doesn’t seem worth it but you know she probably wants to look at something better than pointy gray hairs sticking up every which way out of your head.
  • Smell your pits just in case you forgot something in the shower.
  • As much as you want to wear that comfortable, soft, yet stained sweatshirt every day until it turns to threads, change it periodically for a clean shirt.
  • Laugh with her every day.
  • Dance with her with abandon when your favorite song comes on the radio.

This is just a start to a “Daily Good Butch Wife Relationship Checklist” so add your own stuff as you see fit.

Butch Wife Tip #21

After much contemplation and some side tracks into other topics, I have found the need to tend to one’s love relationship consistently as a ‘must do.’  Using checklists or just your good sense of considering others feelings as much as your consider your own can be helpful in ensuring you don’t fall into the abyss of taking her for granted.  And if you do find yourself in that abyss, get out – get out quickly! Being there for any length of time will overcome you and swallow your love whole before you know it.

Julie, Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#20 Mending Fences

7 Aug

I had previously made reference in one of my postings to a small fire under our fence that occurred while we were traveling.  Given the nature of the damage and the likelihood some of the fence would eventually fail, I decided a project was necessary to mend those areas badly charred.   Since a plan for fixing the fence seemed a worthwhile endeavor, the logistics of the project took shape when another one of those ‘thought thingies’ popped into my head.  (I have to admit I try to avoid deep thoughts most of the time as one thing tends to lead to other, and stops are hard to make when a roll like that starts. But they do keep popping up every so often so what’s a gal supposed to do?)

The ‘thought thingy’ popping up in my mind this time focused on the proper role of butch wives when it comes to carpentry work around the house.  The initial evaluation of this question said to me absolutely!  A ‘true butch wife’ should be able to handle a tape measure, power saw and hammer, right? After all, it would seem to just require tactical planning capabilities, prioritization skills, logic, strength of purpose and patience – all qualities I found necessary for one in the corporate world to survive, and so have attributed to any butch wife worth her salt.  And I have to admit, I hoped the thought of seeing me in a full tool belt around my middle could possibly be sexy for my wife.  At least it couldn’t hurt.

So I stood there looking at the fence and thought …”Finally, a proper butch wife chore.”  I would just have to first take the burned out section off the existing support beams and nail some tall-ish long boards to some square-ish upright boards sticking out of the ground, and ensure they all meet together on the other less square-ish boards running horizontal to the ground.  Not a big deal – right?  I didn’t need to dig post holes, for example, which would take a bit more muscle than this old body can handle given our ‘dirt’ is basically hard as a rock.

I quickly discovered, however, that even the initial measuring required to determine what size replacement boards were necessary was not so straight forward.  First I found out my tape measure is in meters not inches.  Where this thing came from I have no idea as I just saw it in the garage.  I assumed all tape measures were the same but nooooooo!!!  Take it from me, there is no such thing as a fence board .02cm X 20cm X 182cm.

And even if the tape measure is in inches, not meters, measuring, I found out, is not so straight forward either.  For example, try holding the darn thing still at one end of the board while stretching out fully to the other end of the board without losing your place at the first end of the board.   In my experience the measuring tape ends up falling over my head and down my neck since my arms aren’t quite long enough to hold the thing in place! Not a good Butch Wife look even if you do wear a sexy tool belt.

And, I discovered, if you aren’t tall enough, you have to place your finger on the tape somewhere between the top of the board and its bottom so you can get the total length measurement.  But by doing that, an inevitable question comes up – does one have to make allowances for the fact the tape will bend slightly over the existing boards still there as you are trying to measure the entire thing, potentially adding additional length that might throw the tape measurement off?  And if you do have to make small allowances for that inevitable tape bending going on because your arms aren’t long enough to stretch the entire length of what you are measuring, then how much to you subtract from the total!!!???  I have to admit fence building started to become a more complex puzzle than I expected rather quickly.

There was a bright spot.  I found out fence boards come in regular sizes.  One just needs to decide how high and how many given the space being enclosed and voila!  What happens, you could ask, if the space needing to be enclosed doesn’t exactly fit the normal widths of all the boards you bought?  Trying to cut one of those large fence boards straight having absolutely no experience in such things, and, in my case, only hand tools to assist, is an effort easily resulting in lost fingers or, at the very least, in crooked edges.  At least that what it seemed like to me at the time.

After a rocky start on my “proper Butch Wife chore,” and visions of an uncertain ending, I finally decided I probably wasn’t ready for this type of chore.  Nor was I sure I was really strong enough to hold a six-foot-long redwood board level while trying to nail it to another board.  I have to admit the likelihood my attempts at fixing this fence would result in disaster began running through my head.

The only logical conclusion making sense for me at this point was to abandon my efforts and hire someone to do it for me.  I admit I felt a bit like a failure and at the very least thought I should give my Butch Wife card back due to wimpishness. But in the end, I forgave myself and decided being able to hire it out was Butch Wife acceptable. I have, after all, worked almost 50 years of my life just so I could ask someone else better equipped and stronger than I to do this kind of chore for me.  And a proper Butch Wife knows when to call in the experts. Right?

Butch Wife Tip #20

When starting a carpentry project on your home take time to think through all the steps required before jumping into it.  There may be things where outside expertise or brawn would be beneficial, and you should give yourself a chance to take advantage of that when possible.  In my mind being a strong, capable Butch Wife is more about being a person strong of character and true of heart than it is about looking the part and failing to recognize when some things are better done by others, don’t you think?   I do (but I can still wear the tool belt, right?)

Julie

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-In-Training

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#19 Home again, home again, jiggidy, jig!

4 Aug

After several weeks of walking and driving through France, I have to admit it’s nice to come home.  “Re-entry” is going rather well, as our house is still in relatively good shape, the animals are alive and loving us, and I even lost some weight due to the healthy eating and exercising we did while on the road.  Ahhhhhhhh…..life is good.

But wait, what’s this?  Chores? Chores are required again??? Do these things NEVER stop???  Groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog walking, flat tire fixing, cob web chasing, weed pulling, fence mending -  yep, this one got our attention while on the road.  The guests staying in our house emailed us a few weeks into our stay in France about “a funny thing” happening to our fence.  My initial thoughts while reading this email was, “Really?  I never thought of my fence as funny, but hey, I’ll bite.”  “…just a small fire” they said, “…caused by a cigarette smoldering at the base of our fence.”  OMG!  My immediate reaction was not even remotely close to “Ha, ha, that was funny.”  Call me crazy but somehow that kind of news just doesn’t seem to fall into the ‘funny’ realm for me.  Not even a little giggle came to mind.  I’m just sayin’……

Anyway, coming home from a perfectly lovely long vacation in a part of the world that is just stunning and filled with all kinds of things to delight one’s senses can be disappointing in some ways.  But when one is coming home to San Francisco, which is stunning in its own way, it makes it much easier to adjust, I have to admit.  The trick I have been using recently for tackling those mundane, everyday life chores again is to think I am still in France, driving through small 11th, 12th, and 13th century villages looking for our daily croissants and baguettes. I understand Costco is a far cry from 12th century France but hey, one’s imagination can make anything look better if you just try a little.

Butch Wife Tip #19

Take time to get back into your life when you’ve been away from it for a while.  Treat yourself to some nights out and don’t just jump at those required chores right away.  Let the calming of your vacation stay with you as long as possible because those damn chores will still be there no matter what!  So give yourself and your wife a break and ignore them for a few days.  Makes re-entry a whole lot easier….trust me.

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#8 Housekeepers Unite!

22 May

When I was younger I didn’t worry too much about house work.   Basically a bed, a kitchen with a microwave oven, and bathroom were all I needed.  If things weren’t exactly tidy it really didn’t matter much as I wasn’t there all that often.  Once I got into my working years and found my wife, I was staying in more, but house tidiness was again not so much a worry as there was always the two of us to tackle jobs around the house AND a housekeeper to really clean.

Today as I sit in our living room, looking around the house while the wife is at work, my attention isn’t drawn to the cosmic wonders of the universe, or the beauty of our relationship, or even a curiosity about the nature of man.  No, my attention is drawn to the dust bunnies taking over the space under the TV (see previous posts about the nefarious nature of these little buggers).  Then it wanders to the kitchen sink where last night’s dishes need doing.  And, as if that weren’t bad enough, my attention swings over to the bathroom tub that hasn’t been cleaned out in months since we never use it. (Don’t worry we have another bathroom downstairs – the upstairs one is for the cat.) OMG!  Having realized that my mind has been taken over  by sponges, mops, and industrial cleaners, I went running from the room!!

When did I get boring?  I USED to be interesting.  I used to have pithy little comments about the state of affairs around the world.  I used to demonstrate my first-rate education by pontificating about how things worked or didn’t depending on the topic, and I always had a vocal opinion about everything.  I used to have a sense of humor I could count on to ease a tense situation or entice a smile from my partner.  Now, I clean.  I pick up ‘droppings’ of clothes, make the bed, take out the garbage, dust constantly, water the backyard, clean out the hot tub, try to fix something edible for dinner if my wife hasn’t cooked something over the weekend, and even weed for Christ’s sake!!!  Can you believe it?!  Just for the heck of it yesterday, I went outside and weeded the side of our house.   I’m not well and I know it.

Butch Wife Tip #8

I have come to the conclusion that housework is detrimental to your health and should be avoided as much as possible throughout your lifetime.   Therefore, I would advise if at all possible every butch wife find a loyal and expert housekeeper, and then change your will to ensure both you and they are taken care of for the rest of your life.

If you spend your entire day doing nothing but housework, you and your wife will suffer for it.  Your conversations will deteriorate to one word sentences, and your internal index of attractiveness will sink like a brick in water.  Bringing only verbage about chores to a relationship is a killer.  You need to add to the relationship, not bore it to death.  So here’s my “Hoorah” for housekeepers of America, and may they live forever, or at least as long as us.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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#7 Shake, Rattle and Roll

21 May

A friend of mine reminded me Gay Pride month was on its way and that brought back memories of how Mindy, my wife, and I met.  In my day (I NEVER thought I would use that phrase….) Maud’s in the Haight district of San Francisco was an old-time dyke bar known throughout the community as “the place” to go if you were a lesbian and especially if you were single.  I used to go to Maud’s everyday after work for a beer.  I was never a pushy, pick up type dyke - more a strong, silent, shy type gal.  Okay, so more shy than strong, but gal nonetheless. Who would have thought?  One day this blond, little bundle of smiles and wild eyes came up to me in Maud’s and asked to share some space.  Being the ever so accommodating human that I am (cough, cough), I said sure and that started things off.

After months of dating, she made her move during a Pride parade in San Francisco in 1984.  I was riding on a leather bar’s float at the time.  Mindy was marching in the parade with her elementary school kids.  Unbeknown to me she got a 7-year-old to ‘find a float with a lot of men in leather clothes’ and to come back and tell her where it was.  Off the kid goes and pretty soon I see Mindy coming to the side of our truck.  Bending down to shake hands and smile my ever so appealing smile, we touched and that was it for me.  The next 27 years of my life really started with that touch and I’ve never looked back since then.

Butch Wife Tip #7

The tip here is related to hand shaking.  You can’t just limply hold out your hand and assume the recipient of that lump of flesh will feel welcomed or anything else.   I don’t know why, but a hand shake like that makes me want to scratch.  Also, placing the back of your hand toward someone when first meeting is like saying you are forming an allegiance of nations, not making human contact.  In my opinion it is not a good look for ANY butch wife, or any other person, except Queen Elizabeth.  And even she has gotten softer these days.  Approaching 90 probably does that to a person.

I’ve found when shaking the hand of someone you are attracted to you have to consciously make sure the crook of your thumb and first finger firmly, but not tightly, meet the crook of her thumb and first finger.  Then you gently wrap your hand around hers, ensuring your touch is secure but not tight, and making sure the center of your palms touch. OMG!  When done right the feelings of warmth and connection will rattle your senses, and by adding your winning smile and loving looks, YOU’RE GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT!!!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training         

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#6 No, honey, those pants DON’T make your butt look big!

17 May

Dieting……….we’ve all done it, and have used various combinations of food tortures to lose those extra pounds.  Mostly I’ve found my greatest resolve to lose weight holds true for the first couple of days after I start my diet plan. If the pounds don’t come off in that time, I tend to get discouraged.  Anybody else feel that way?

When I started this latest round of dieting I really made the effort to actually eat less and move more.  Amazingly it worked and I lost 45 lbs. in about 4 months (thank you Nutri-System).  Now I’m taking a break and have leveled off a bit, but I’m determined to get back to it eventually.

My wife, on the other hand, has started her efforts to lose 10 pounds before our trip to France this summer.  It brought to mind the need to briefly share something with you about dieting.

Butch Wife Tip #6

If your spouse asks if you think she’s getting fat, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER tell her she may be getting a little ‘thick.’  I did 25 years ago and she’s never let me forget it.   Enough said.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-training

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#5 “I’ll do the dishes, you pick up the mouse guts.”

16 May

There’s one thing I’ve learned since retiring from corporate life, and that’s house chores are NEVER done.  Unlike in business, at least the business I did, when a project came my way I knew it would get “done.”   I worked really hard on it until it was completed, installed, operating normally, or whatever term meant it was over for me.  Then I’d sit back for a time gleaming at the wonderful thing I was involved in that’s making the corporation hum like a bird day in and day out.  I was sure the same type of logic would apply at home as it did in my work.  I identify something that needs doing, (like dusting or making the bed), figure out how to do it to my wife’s satisfaction (sometimes that takes me a while), and then go about completing the tasks to get it done.  When it comes to home projects, I’ve discovered, that’s not how things go.

Household chores keep coming back.  You can’t just finish your chores.  Oh no! The little buggers sneak up on you again and again, demanding new attention as if they’d never been ’attended’ to before!  Take dusting as an example.  Those little dust bunnies, – whoever thought of that name should seek help - returning almost immediately after I’ve pushed them off all visible places on the table.  Why don’t they just stay away????  Even if I use dust spray, and don’t ask me what’s in it, the dust seems to find its way back.  The spray might keep it away for an hour or so, but just wait, it comes right back to cover every inch of anything made of matter and impossible to get at with a cloth.

And take the ‘making the bed’ chore.  I’m not exactly sure why someone decided long ago making the bed EVERY DAY was a necessary thing for us to do, but they did and now I have to.  ’Why’ I ask myself.  You’re just going to be back in it in a few hours anyway so why bother smoothing out those wrinkles from last night and making sure those pillows are lined up exactly on both sides of the bed.  Oh God, save me from this!  I have taken to making the bed while in it, and not worrying about the pillows being ‘just so.’  The trick is to start under the covers and in the middle of the bed.   Pull everything up tight under you chin, making sure they are pretty even on both sides and using your arms to smooth out any bumps.  Then just carefully slip out one side.  Voila!! made bed!  No running from one side of the bed to the other time after time.  No special little folding manuever at the end of the bed to make sure everything stays tucked in at the bottom.  (I think they call those ‘hospital corners.’)  Now, just throw the pillows on the top of the bed and you’re done.  I can do it in under 30 seconds.  Pretty good, uh?!

When it comes to cat chores, however, I would advise a compromise with your mate.  This can be a traumatic experience in our house as our cat is a mouser and doesn’t just kill those pesky, whiskered little things.   She devours them – blood, organs, bones, heads….its disgusting.  We have what we lovingly call a “Cujo” cat.  And she periodically shares parts of what she’s caught, or at least parts of what she’s decided to not eat.   She’s not too fond of rat and therefore, only takes off their heads.  As for mice, she prefers the young ones and typically we don’t find any remains.  The older mice, however, tend to get parts left behind.  We have designated a particular stair on our staircase as her ‘sacrificial alter’ as she often leaves portions of her older mouse kills on one particular step. What a love.  I can’t tell you how many times one or the other of us has headed upstairs first thing in the morning only to step on pieces of intestine languishing on our staircase and our cat sitting right there staring at us as if to say, “See?  I AM a God.”

Butch Wife Tip #5

Share your chores and divide them up based on your skills.  As an example, I do techy and financial stuff, my wife does flowers and pretty things for the house.  That’s certainly not all there is to do, so I’d suggest you get your household together, make a list, and have all participants pick the ones they can or will do.   If there is only one of you, you feel bad about assigning chores to your 2 year old, or you just can’t come to an agreement with your partner or spouse on who is going to do what each week, then hire someone.  I’m convinced those dust bunnies multiply over time and are trying to take over the world!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

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