Archive | Relationships RSS feed for this section

#25 – There IS a pony under there somewhere!!!

22 Nov

I experienced some unusual moments in Canada this week and somehow felt uplifted.  For example, a couple of nights ago I went to a local hamburger/sports bar near my hotel for dinner to watch a football game.  Next to my table in the bar a small group of 20-something’s were talking and laughing while playing the card game Go Fish.  Think of it…..young adults not really drinking heavily in a bar and enjoying playing Go Fish!

After a big smile flashes across my face and a chuckle slips out of my mouth, I turn to eat my dinner.  When I looked across the room between bites I saw an 80-something couple laughing and talking during their dinner with a look of true interest for the other in their eyes.  No vacant stares into space from either husband or wife, no angry sounding talk, no long, silent lulls in their conversation –  just a couple truly enjoying each other’s company.   Think of it……old adults who still love each other.

As I sat in this unfamiliar place watching the people around me I wondered if I would ever feel too old to do young things or too bored with life to forget that I can love and be loved.  Can a Butch Wife Extraordinaire remain a true Butch Wife if she still likes to play with pickup sticks and skip along the street?  I whistle and I like to whistle even if I’m off key.  Does a real butch wife do that?

What makes someone lose interest in life?  Does it happen when life throws loss our way, as it inevitably does, and lets our dreams fade and our hearts harden?  Or does it occur when we only act as humans doing rather than humans being?  Can you lose interest in life because things become more important than people? Does a Butch Wife have to be serious and responsible to the point that laughter becomes quiet and seldom heard?  God I hope not.

I remember growing up in the hills of West Virginia knowing we didn’t have a lot of money, but relishing in the laughter and kidding we did together as a family.  My father had a terrific sense of humor and my mother became a constant target for all of us to tease.  It was fun to watch and participate in, and the whole time there was no question of whether life was interesting or not.  Of course it was and always would be.  I remember the sheer happiness I felt as a 6 year old when meeting up with friends down by the river.  We would sit on the banks watching the water flow, continually tossing and retrieving a homemade fishing line with its safety pin hook hoping someday to catch something.  We never did catch a fish, but we shared our world and sang songs together thinking it would coax the fish ever closer to our un-baited hooks.  God I loved those days.

I am now an officially older person and wondered recently if I might lose interest in life.  I don’t think I will.  I still haven’t jumped out of an airplane and glided to earth under a parachute.  Also there are thousands of places yet to experience on this earth, even though I’ve travelled around it several times.  And I am still be amazed at the number of ways I can show my wife that I love her and always will.  I hope I never forget that.  Please God.

Butch Wife Tip #25

Does getting older really mean one has to leave those un-baited fish hooks behind or assume all that could be said or done with your loved one has already been said or done?  I don’t think so.  I think a Butch Wife Extraordinaire still whistles with abandon and sings off key as loud as she can to the one she loves.  Try it.  You’ll feel good doing it.  I’m just sayin’……………

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

#22 – Beware the Invasion of the Alien Chore Spores!!!!

21 Aug

Today I did something I have never done before in my life without some forethought and planning – I unconsciously took all my tee shirts out of my drawer, refolded each, and carefully stacked them back into the drawer in categories of type.  OMG!! Something has come over me and it’s insidious.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was done and I sat on the bed staring at a perfectly organized clothes drawer!  The only thing I could think of that made me do this was I must be sick, but I felt fine.  I checked my head for a fever and everything seemed cool.  No obvious aches or pains were surfacing from inside my gut.   I hadn’t ruled out a nervous disorder but I didn’t experience any twitches or shakes.  No matter where I checked everything in my physical life seemed fine.

Then I started thinking I was perhaps having a nervous breakdown.   I have to admit this was a hard diagnosis to accept since I have been extremely relaxed over these past few days with life seemingly good on most fronts. But one never knows when dark thoughts and feelings will come creeping in on their own and take over your consciousness with not so much as a ‘bye your leave!’  This possibility started to make some sense to me.  After all I just reached into that drawer for a tee shirt and without any hesitation whatsoever refolded it neatly.  I’ve heard such unconscious actions could even be indicative of a body-snatching entity lurking in your blood stream, taking control of your mind, and making a person do things they would never have done in the past.   I gotta say it seemed to fit the circumstances at first glance.

So I decided if indeed I had become possessed by alien spores, at least they were neat freaks, so how bad could that be?  Until I thought, would a true Butch Wife allow herself to be overwhelmed by some alien, wind surfin’ bacteria blowing up her nose to infect the left side of her brain and incite it to do chores?  Of course not!

But then there’s the physical evidence that something in my Butch Wife mode was out of sync……my tee shirt drawer was perfectly organized and I had done it totally out of the blue.  It wasn’t a planned chore for the day; it wasn’t just straightening the shirts out a bit because it included organizing them by type as well.   Something was definitely odd about my behavior.

I have come to accept the fact that semi-retirement from corporate life can make one susceptible to what I like to call ‘the unconscious chore syndrome.’  It impacts your ability to lounge without a care in the world.  All of a sudden you are washing that dish before putting it in the dishwasher, or you start dusting the table while you are sitting watching TV.  It definitely takes away your sense of control once you realize you did an unplanned chore just for the heck of it.  And it can last for several hours or even days if you don’t take steps to block its progress as soon as you can.

Butch Wife Tip #22

I would suggest a strong verbal rebuttal to shake your brain loose from the grip of this alien chore spore disease.  Perhaps a loud, forceful “NO!” every time the very thought of doing a chore.  At least by yelling “NO!” you might  begin to feel these alien chore spores start to retreat and mind control start to return to you.  If that doesn’t work, avoid eye contact with anything out of place, askew, or needing washing for at least 48 hours.  I suggest lots of outdoor activities to keep you away from any cleaning materials in your house.  Or try going to the movies where your mind can get caught up in the adventures of the show and thus, not give rise to stronger alien chore spore enticements.  Sleep during the day and play loud music at night while keeping the lights down low.  This will help to avoid eye contact with any chore lurking in the corners trying to gain your attention and eventually your soul!

Or if none of that helps and you still find yourself unconsciously doing house chores ‘just because,’ call me.  I have lots of chores that could be done in my house and am willing to give you all the time you want to complete them for me.   In particular if you have a craving for dust bunny cleanup ANYTIME, just let me know.

Julie

Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

#21 ‘Good’ Butch Wife – Step One

15 Aug

We went to a movie the other night to see the latest Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones movie about mature relationships.  It was fun as these two actors blend well and added a sense of depth to a rather old story of unattended love.  I have to admit, though, the movie did bring up a feeling of unease in me.  As the characters interacted with one another I began to wonder if I was taking my relationship for granted.  It’s hard to know right off the bat I think.  How does a good Butch Wife tell if she is really being ‘a good’ Butch Wife?

So on the way home from the movie I started thinking about my marriage.  We’ve been together almost 30 years.  We share just about everything except meditation and golf.  When I try to meditate with a bunch of people sitting on their heels for some reason I get the giggles. I don’t know why, I just do.   Also paying attention to what my mind is doing at any particular moment can be an exercise in futility for me.  And she thinks golf is the stupidest sport in the world, with a bunch of people dressed in silly clothes chasing a little white ball around 3 miles of grasslands. I see her point, but nonetheless love to play as often as possible.

I make a point to tell her I love her every day.  For me, being a ‘good’ Butch Wife also means taking care of stuff in the house without being asked to do it.  I’m still working on that one as its becoming increasingly clear to me the amount of stuff to be done everyday just to have a comfortable life never seems to end!  I am still battling an ongoing war with our ever present dust bunnies.  I’m convinced there is something that will destroy these suckers forever out there but I just haven’t found it yet.

We try to never go to bed angry, and if there IS an issue to deal with, we try to remember how to fight fairly.  I quite honestly can’t imagine a life without her and I’m pretty sure she feels the same, so we must be good, right?  Sounds that way but how do you know for sure?

Maybe ensuring a good relationship should entail a daily reminder for us.  When I was in business I had my daily reminder calendar to keep up on the things I had to do for the day.  It was handy, took only a few moments to review and kept me from forgetting important due dates that could eventually lead to a raise.  I still use reminder alerts on my smart phone.  Just can’t seem to let go of some corporate habits I guess.

So I started putting together a preliminary Daily Butch Wife Relationship Checklist.  Let me know what you think.

  • Wake up and hug your wife.
  • Brush your teeth pretty early on after waking to get rid of any birdcage breath that lingers from the night before, and certainly before you kiss her.
  • Kiss your wife.
  • Tell your wife she looks terrific.  If you forget this one, go to step one, part B and start again.
  • A daily shower may not seem necessary to point out but when you’re semi-retired like me that may not happen every day without a reminder.
  • Comb your hair.  Some days it just doesn’t seem worth it but you know she probably wants to look at something better than pointy gray hairs sticking up every which way out of your head.
  • Smell your pits just in case you forgot something in the shower.
  • As much as you want to wear that comfortable, soft, yet stained sweatshirt every day until it turns to threads, change it periodically for a clean shirt.
  • Laugh with her every day.
  • Dance with her with abandon when your favorite song comes on the radio.

This is just a start to a “Daily Good Butch Wife Relationship Checklist” so add your own stuff as you see fit.

Butch Wife Tip #21

After much contemplation and some side tracks into other topics, I have found the need to tend to one’s love relationship consistently as a ‘must do.’  Using checklists or just your good sense of considering others feelings as much as your consider your own can be helpful in ensuring you don’t fall into the abyss of taking her for granted.  And if you do find yourself in that abyss, get out – get out quickly! Being there for any length of time will overcome you and swallow your love whole before you know it.

Julie, Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

#18 Journey Proud

25 Jun

This Butch wife and her Femme wife are headed out into the world over the next month, so the blog will be on vacation for a while.  I did want to talk a bit about preparing for such a trip.  Packing can be tense.  What to take?  How much to take?  Predicting the weather at the places we plan to visit well beyond what any official forecasters are willing to do can be exhausting.  Do you need two tubes of toothpaste or will you be sharing with others?  Do you lay your clothes flat in a suitcase, neatly folded or rolled?  I’m a roller, myself, as it seems to keep the wrinkles down better.

I read a Ricky Steves travel guide-book once that recommended the ideal amount of ‘stuff’ to take on a trip.  It broke down something like this:  2 pair of pants, five shirts, five pair of underwear and socks, a sweater and jacket, a swimsuit just in case, maybe a hat if you’re a hat person, and your toiletries.  Seemed sensible.  After all, you can always go to a laundromat and wash things each week.  And since you really don’t tend to see the same people all the time, repeating your daily garb won’t be apparent to anyone you run into the next day except you and your wife.  However with my wife, color coordination and a theme are essential to appropriate packing.  I won’t go into the details about this, but suffice to say, if everything you take doesn’t mix and match, you are forever banned from stepping onto foreign soil. (I keep it simple with blacks and whites as these go with anything.)

Do you notice a general tension before you take off on a trip? I do.  My housekeeper from growing up used to call this being ”journey proud.”  Great term isn’t it? Journey Proud.  Being excited about going to a place – even in our case where we don’t speak the language well, are not sure how to order our food easily, can’t read the road signs, and have absolutely no idea where ANYTHING really is.  Now that’s journey proud.

Being journey proud doesn’t stay with you.  We’ve always found once we are out in the world and away from our home country, the journey pride tension disappears almost immediately.  Our desire to experience different cultures takes over, and getting lost is a general state of being for us while on the road.  Eventually we do find ourselves with enough maps, but the stories we get into while lost have always been fun.

So to my loyal followers out there, thank you so much for encouraging me to keep writing.  Please ask your friends if they would like to follow the blog as well.  We will, however, be offline for a month.   We do a travelogue while on the road for friends and family and will continue that during this trip.  For all others, please be patient and I will get back into the blog in August.   Until then, bon voyage, y’all!  (Do you think the French will mind the colloquialism?  Probably.)

Butch Wife Tip #18

When getting ready for a trip, be easy on one another.   And if you are journeying to another country, check out the gay laws before you go because some places will shoot you for being gay.  Those places I would recommend you avoid.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

#17 You’re Okay Just the Way You Are

16 Jun

I think there’s a moment in some butch wives lives (boy, try saying that 5 times real fast – wives lives, wives lives, wives….oh, never mind) when one’s attempts at appropriate social decorum may come into question.  I had one such moment the other night while investigating a loud noise in our yard.  Our dog started barking in the middle of the night which woke me up.  Not an unusual occurrence in our household, but a consistently loud one nonetheless.  I got out of bed, opened the back door, and wandered onto the porch for a look around, closing the door behind me.  As soon as I left the door space I felt it creep up my back and neck -  the realization I had just locked myself out.

Now normally this is not a major issue.  Planning ahead for contingencies, we have provisions for just such a situation because we have locked ourselves out several times in the past.  But in this case, I was drowsy, half-naked and bare footed, and assumed I would have to come around the house and into the front door to get back in. Immediately the thought of going out the back gate with just my t-shirt on and a rather exposed bare bottom seemed, well, unseemly.  My first steps were to check again and make sure I couldn’t break into my door, which, of course I couldn’t, but I had to try.

My mind started racing.  The thought of someone seeing an older grey haired woman, bare bottomed and without shoes hopping and yelping along the side of a darkened house at 3 in the morning could be humiliating for a truly butch wife.  Right? Could this situation be cause for losing my ‘Butch Wife Extraordinaire’ card for all time.  What if a policeman caught me trying to get into my house?  Would going to jail for breaking and entering really be a good idea while wearing only a t-shirt and no bottoms?

Therefore, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances.  I turned on the dog and blamed him for closing the door in the first place!  No actually I tried to find a place to sit and think about the best way to avoid the social humility of walking up our street half-naked.  This turned out to be harder than one might think, since it gets foggy around here at night and finding a dry spot to sit on that avoids the possibility of splinters wasn’t easy.  It’s not like pulling off a thoughtful pose like Rodin’s The Thinker or anything, but I was able to situate each cheek just so nothing got pinched or bruised on the only dry spot I could find.

Do real butch wives actually have these kinds of thoughts or issues I wondered.  After all, we’ve all done something dumb like this, right?  Anyway, the avoidance of public humiliation was achieved when I remembered I hadn’t locked the upstairs deck doors.  Upon inspection sure enough I could get in without running half-naked through the neighborhood and felt safe and warm once my bare bottom was inside.

But the whole situation brought up a question for me in the end (no pun intended here).  How do we learn shame?  I saw a movie once where the parent asked his gay son, “When did I teach you shame?” when the son was reluctant to come out to his family.  They knew he was gay and loved him anyway but somehow this son couldn’t accept it in himself.

Being caught in the cold with less than is generally accepted clothing on reminded me that shame IS taught.  I like to think the use of ‘shameful’ is more directed at what one does perhaps rather than for who someone is.  However, some think anyone who is not like themselves must at their very core be a ’shame to mankind.’  Can you imagine growing up with the knowledge that your family and those who are supposed to love you unconditionally think you are a ‘shame to mankind?’  Wow.  Can’t say I know any one person with that much power to impact all of mankind, except maybe John Lennon.  But that’s just me.  I vote for the elimination of ‘shame’ from our social lexicon.   What d’ya say?

Butch Wife Tip #17

Question: Do you realize how cold and wet outdoor furniture gets in the middle of the night?  I do now, and caution all to check the targeted sitting apparatus with your hand before plopping down on it with a bare bottom after 1am in San Francisco.  For those of you who simply MUST plan ahead, ensure your sleeping t-shirts are long enough to cover your butt when you sit down.  Improper t-shirt length considerations could someday lead to handcuffed arrests for indecent exposure.  I’m just saying…and if you ARE caught wearing less than you’d prefer, stand proud and tall with confidence, because you are okay just as you are.  (You could try whistling but then that might not look good given the circumstances. )

Julie Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , ,

#16 It’s Not My Color!

12 Jun

We are getting ready for a trip to France and that, of course, entails LOTS of discussions around what to bring.  I tend to travel light being a graduate of the Ricky Steves travel guides.  My wife also travels generally light, but everything must be color coordinated with everything else.  This is non-negotiable.

Way back in the day a very good friend of ours ‘did our colors.’  For those of you who have not enjoyed this particular ‘must do’ in adult living, the theory is simple.  Everyone can be categorized into generally 4 pallets of color, adoringly named as a season – summer, fall, winter, or spring.  If you thought there were 8 or 12 categories of human, I’m here to say those other methods of dictating exactly who and what you are by general statements of existence don’t count. When it comes to dressing “one must have their colors done” to avoid the immense public humiliation of being caught wearing some article of clothing that doesn’t match perfectly the shades of color for your body type.

I’m a winter.  Don’t ask me why, I just am and have learned to accept it.  Dark hair, blue eyes.  That seems to be my mold. My wife is a spring, I think. Blond hair, blue eyes.  I am supposed to wear colors like royal blues, blue-ish reds, and deep greens, even black and white.  My wife wears army greens, golds, yellows, orange reds, and tans.  The Giants baseball team colors are perfect for her.  I’m more a Giants football team color type of person.

Our housekeepers can always tell which closet to put clothes in by the color schemes.  I have in a fit of closet mania, organized my shirts into areas of color with corresponding colored hangers.  (I have to admit that episode in my life was not something I was proud of and have since stopped.  The stress alone of maintaining that approach to storage was too much for me.)

I admit having gone through the appropriate color evaluation and ultimate scheme designation, my life seems simpler now.  When I go into a store, I don’t waste time at racks of clothing not in my color scheme.  I only go to where I see my colors.  No more am I buying clothes that once you put them on just don’t seem right somehow next to your skin.  And when those sales girls of 12 (aren’t they all 12?) come bouncing up to me wanting to put me in pink capris and tight knit sweaters I can confidently turn on them without malice and note they are just not in my colors.  This saves a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, believe me.

Butch Tip #16

Know your colors, know your fabrics.  That’s what my wife says all the time.  And when you pack things for traveling, don’t worry about mixing and matching with your mate.  Chances are you are two different color schemes and can easily pick out your stuff from hers.  But probably most important to remember, once you know your colors, you will never make the mistake again of buying her the wrong piece of clothing at least due to color.  Staying in her palette is a winning combination on a lot of fronts….I’m just sayin’.

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

#15 What D’ya Mean Lean Right?!

9 Jun

Gay Pride month in San Francisco has started.  This is when the entire city dresses up in our rainbow colors and the TV stations play movies and hold discussion panels on topics ‘of substance’ and ‘import’ on being gay.  Visitors from all over the world come to celebrate their lives, as do we who live here.  And gay couples blatantly display acts of love and caring for one another in the streets.  Oh My!!!

Back in the 80’s I used to be on the board of directors for the Pride Foundation.  We were the group that coordinated the development of the gay flag for our community.  I remember the first year we started placing the flags up and down Market Street for our parade.  What a feeling of freedom to see them.   I friend of mine and I were trying to get the flags attached to light poles along the route before the parade started that first year when he said to me, “We may never get these down again.”  And now to note the rainbow symbol spread all over the world is something that just seems incredible to me.  No, Michael, I doubt these flags will ever be brought down again.

One of the best shows in the Gay Parade for San Francisco begins the parade.  ‘Dykes on Bikes.’  Butch Wives with horse power!!!  I think every butch wife should try a motor cycle at least once in their life.  You can do it – put that strong conviction of yours to the test and get one.  I would recommend you start off with a ‘smallish’ size first to see if you really feel okay with it.  I bet the first time you open up the accelerator and feel the power between your legs……….well, I’m just sayin’!!!!!

I bought a motor scooter one time.  It was Italian (Aprilia Scarabeo) and could make it up the hills of San Francisco with no problem at all.  However, when I took my wife for rides on it she invariably would be leaning left when I was leaning right.  Not good form on a motorized vehicle, open to the air on all sides.  And she told me my driving scares her to death in a car, so you can imagine her fear on a cycle!  This from a lady who drives looking sideways into people’s houses along the street, searching for new decorating tips!

Butch Wife Tip #15

Its Gay Pride month – be proud of who and what you are, and remember you’re okay just the way you are.  And if your wife has trepidations about getting a motorcycle, take heed because if she leans left while you’re turning right it won’t be a good look for anyone.  I’m just sayin’……………

Julie Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

#13 Shall We Dance?

6 Jun

I was sitting on our deck today watching the world go by and had a thought.  I know they don’t come as often or as concise I’d like, but there you are…….and here is one.  Should butch wives succumb to the music in their ears and spontaneously burst into dance moves no matter where we are?  Once those little white wires are firmly affixed to our heads and ears, can we actually avoid such an outburst of bodily movement?

I decided to take a survey.  While watching the world run, walk and skip by the house, I took notice of those female persons with earplugs.  The first concern was were those under surveillance likely butch wives…….and in a totally unscientific decision process I decided most were. After all this is Bernal Heights in San Francisco – the lesbian, dog, and vegan capital of the world I think.

Of the dozen or so individuals I saw with ear plugs in, all but 2 had a distinctive rhythm to their gait but no display of total abandonment or sudden bursts of twirls or high leg kicks. One woman with ear plugs looked like they were listening to a lecture on something, and had no particular rhythm in her step at all – often stopping and starting for no apparent reason.  Another one seemed to be talking into their wires so I assumed they were on the phone sans music and eliminated them from the study.

So my original question had yet to be answered……….should butch wives abandon any sense of decorum and burst into dance when our music receptors are tweaked?  From the survey it is clear most people can’t help but respond to rhythmic sounds no matter where we are or how we feel.  A foot begins to move up and down without any awareness on our part, or a finger begins to tap the table to the beat of the music in your ear.  I find if I’m feeling low, music will also bring a smile or sense of ’okayness’ to my soul, and the world just seems like a better place.

Butch Wife Tip #13

When you’re down or out of sorts for any reason, turn on your radio or music player, grab your wife, and dance with abandon.  It’s the one thing we all have in common regardless of our choices in life.  And its the one thing that seems to always, without fail, put a smile on your face every time you do it.  So do it!!

Julie  Butch Wife Extraordinaire-in-Training

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 34 other followers

%d bloggers like this: